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Pap

I

He was a walking storybook that held an old, musty scent of mothballs
He told me stories of when he was a boy, how he dared his friends to climb a mountain to prove the apparition they saw wasn't a ghost
He always closed with, as we peered over the ledge it went Moo!
It was a cow! Scared Jack shitless!


I'd always laugh
no matter how many times he told this story

II

I'd see him pace outside his yard; a distance unmeasurable
The wife and him didn't get along these days
she had a profound adoration for her bell collection and juicy neighborhood gossip over steaming, black coffee

I often took his side
She always bought me ugly sweaters, I wore around her, so she didn't think I was an ungrateful child

III

I get off the bus and he is waiting for me. He walks me home.
He tells me the cow story again and I still laugh uncontrollably
It never gets old. but he does. Yesterday, he finally came back home and today he looks as though he has aged ten more years

IV

I'm being chased by a huge bumble bee. A mutant bumble bee.
I run to the Dunlap's house and bang on their door. I recall the first time I had trespassed on their lawn. Mr Dunlap seemed almost crazed,
Get off my property, ya little brats!  and today he's teaching me the difference between bumble bees and hummingbirds

V

Weeks later, I walk up and down the park, sighing. It has been days and I can't seem to push this feeling. I try to build up the courage to talk to Mrs. Dunlap and ask her to see her husband. She watches her ice skating and tells me to sit with her. I watch too. But she never speaks.

 

I never saw Mr. Dunlap that day.

 

 

 

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Author notes

http://allpoetry.com/poem/4300141

A contest entry

Im still revising this piece. Constructive criticism is welcome

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Comments

1 - 25 of 25

  • styrofoam
    April 13
    Edit | Reply
    yeah i would buy a book of this too

    some very fine writing here ms sheeran (:

  • Moving poem.

    It is your humanity that makes this poem that good.


    I often took his side
    She always bought me ugly sweaters, I wore around her, so she didn't think I was an ungrateful child


    Humaness is captured so well here.


  • KayJay
    February 15

    Edit | Reply
    So much better! This was a story told... the other was mere ghost of recollection. This had emotion and feeling - a wonderful collection of moments that painted a whole picture of love.
    Well done! Best of luck.
    Ken

  • Many more questions than answers when I got to the end of this piece, but, I consider that a very good thing. I'm glad you ended with "that day" it makes me think there might have been another day...Lovely writing,

  • Thor-201
    February 6
    Edit | Reply
    This is a wonderful story that held my attention, from start to finish. Very well done.


  • Cup-a-Joe
    February 5

    Edit | Reply
    This made me think of one of my favorite songs,
    "Brooks And Dunn, I Believe "
    You did a great job the first time, and the re--write
    adds just the right amount.
    Joe


  • toomysterious
    February 4

    Edit | Reply
    I liked this. It is a wonderful story, but you changed it so much from the original. I really liked the feel of the first one better and the form, though I could see where you could have expanded it more. Hope this comment makes any kind of sense.

  • LoveGoneMad
    January 30

    Edit | Reply
    It had me hooked, I would buy a book of this...
    well done.


  • Thomas Scott gold member
    January 16
    Edit | Reply
    I'd buy a book of this.


  • Merci
    January 13
    Edit | Reply

    i like it alot

    the story reminds me of my grandfather... you did a great job tellin it.


  • raw love
    January 13
    Edit | Reply
    hhhhhmmmm I very much so enjoyed this!
    Captivating and sweet. . . thanks for sharing.


  • arafura gold member
    January 11

    Edit | Reply
    I like the feel and the flow of this. I don't know a great deal about the technical side of poetry, but I found this very enjoyable to read. Bravo!

  • I like the flow and the immages ..they bring the curiosity around the words..and makes us to compel to know more..well donee poetry indeed...


  • thepoetssoul
    January 9

    Edit | Reply
    This is a wonderful story you have told.
    You have written it so well, I love it.
    Thanks for sharing your story and talent.

    Tony


  • Jersene gold member
    January 9

    Edit | Reply
    the story fits these vignettes perfectly...

    'She always bought me ugly sweaters, I word around her, so she didn't think I was an ungrateful child'

    this line really sticks out for me...probably because I used to do the same. I love when a poem can evoke memories. This is wonderfully penned!


  • tara wilson gold member
    January 7
    Edit | Reply


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    January 7

    Edit | Reply
    My dear, you are a true storyteller yourself! I got totally emersed in this!! Fabulous!

  • Aww...wonderfully crafted.

    These were interesting:

    "old, musty scent of mothballs"

    "She always bought me ugly sweaters, I wore around her, so she didn't think I was an ungrateful child "

    "today he's teaching me the difference between bumble bees and hummingbirds"



  • myrataal silver member
    January 7

    Edit | Reply

    Beautiful ...

    as if a the write is a clock ticking in Dunlap time in a dimension of truths and shadows of truths, of hours and days ... turning into a forever story.


    Lovely work.

    Myra


  • A. Rose
    January 6

    Edit | Reply
    Oh. my. gosh.

    I love it. Amazing.I really seriously with I could do this.
    Amazing job. :]


  • Swangrnv gold member
    January 6

    Edit | Reply

    wow

    storytelling snippets huh? i love it!!
    ok i'm already impressed so i'll see what else i can find!

1 - 25 of 25