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chasing cotton-puffs
to rabbit holes, our
laughter was smothered
by a pine-scented dampness.
naked legs, red from
stumble-falls and
sticky with sweat, cause
those-who-know-better
to shake their heads
and shoo us away
we were their delight
hand-in-innocent-hand.
matching white dresses and
well-behaved ribbons; a
penchant for autumn sailing
and I'll never tell
just who-pushed-who
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Author notes
Prompt: friendship by cryingsorceress - http://cryingsorceress.deviantart.com/art/friendship-67237455
needs editing badly ...
A contest entry
- Dark Pictures - Reserve and Get your Prompt by Miss Faerie.
700 points, ended January 25, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is a draft - be as harsh as you like.
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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thank you for your comment on my poem, and i liked yours as well
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glenn shannon
It took me back to a time in the counrty as a child i hunted bunnies in the pines , i actually smelt what u were saying, and you pushed her didnt you ha ha
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thanks little fish one yeah im a bit sus on spelling but i love writing its my passion. the story is purely fictional.ive never done thjat shit but its a compilation of all the bad boys ive delt with.hope u red me more as i get things flowing and i will read u too
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I'm going to take a stab in the dark and say that you may have been influence by a certain literary tale. At first I didn't make the connection between the third and the second..but I get it now. I liked how simple the poem was and how it was used to set up a question in my mind, who's idea was it anyway?
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This was so fricken creepy!
I read it and thought holy hell the bitch just killed someone!
I didn't see that in this, and yet after I read your words and looked at the picture I could see so clearly how that had come to pass.
Instead of matching-white I might have used "identical"
I loved the "stumble falls" that was a great image, put in a different way
Thank you for entering my contest and good luck
Shari
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hmm. i would end the first stanza at line four and then make lines 5 through 10 a different stanza. just a suggestion.
also you could make "matching white dresses and..." a part of the sentence before it; you would just add like "with" in front of "matching" or some other word like that.
I love "pine-scented dampness." its so beautiful. i liked how you took that little detail of the pine trees from the picture and added that subtly to the poem. "well behaved ribbons" is a very interesting concept and i love how you chose to use that to sort of describe the bond shown in the picture.
great write and good luck in the contest!
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Ahh.. love that ending!! I have used this picture in a contest before, and I have to say, this is far better than anything that was entered!!
Fantastic!
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"cotton-puff" --> [cotton puffs] (?) i dont think you need a dash.
"pine-scented damp" --> [a pine-scented dampness] so, i know i added an article, and elongated damp, but it has smoother read this way.
honesty, i was afraid for you when i saw the picture...lolol.
but you really made this work well. i didnt even glance at the picture a second time, and it stands on its own quite nicely.
at first i wasnt sure about all the dashes, but as you have an alice in wonderland, crazy, fast movement feel to this, i changed my mind. =]
"a
penchant for autumn sailing" --> now, this is a beautiful and clever phrase; and thrown out quite casually, and with nice effect.
me gusta lo
!
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"pine-scented damp."
LOVED that...it was damp and musty and kind of sickening.
"we were your delight
hand-in-innocent-hand."
You really like hyphenated phrases, as do I.
I think this would be better maybe as:
"we were delight"
and put 'your' somewhere else..."hand-in-your-innocent-hand"...??
"a
penchant for autumn sailing"
Helllll yeah!
;
Jessica
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a bunny on a leash...lolol
g'luck! i is excitabled to see what yous do
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