You've got it all over everybody
And it shows in everything you do
Please don't leave me here just pining
Heaven only knows what I've been through
Hell, it really knows the score
That when it rains it really pours
I was gutted when you left me
You used to thrill me to the very core
You knew how much I really needed you
Since you've been gone I'm so insecure
And if I had to wait any longer
Christ! when it rains it really pours
What can I do to make you love me?
If you had to choose what would you do?
Now you got what you wanted I'm so lonely
What's a man now supposed to do?
Oh, I'm left of centre for ever more
Hell! when it rains it really pours
A contest entry
- you and me and everything else by Ryno.
500 points, ended January 13, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Thunder & Lightning by RedAquarius.
1000 points, ended April 30, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
In the
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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To me, it's obvious this was meant as lyrics. It flows in that sing-song style. I like the rawness and the line about being gutted (which is the only imagery in here) - but it lacks something, I just didn't really connect to it. It felt like I was only allowed on the surface, this might be be because you don't use much imagery to share the emotions.
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I liked your play and take off the cliche phrase "when it rains it really pours". You were able to put a lot of raw emotion and sentiments behind it.
There were some really cool concepts here, like being gutted, and heaven vs. hell. However, I think the whole piece would've been stronger with more imagery. "Show" don't "tell". Don't just say something happened, use the powerful of words to show it.
her pinning --> here pinning?
I loved the poetic tone to your piece. It was very bitter and angry. And then behind it, the reader found sadness. Well done. Thank-you for the entry. -
Gea wiz, your brilliant, amazing, a genious. lol I havent really left many comments on poems because I have been really busiy but your writing makes me really stop and think, it makes me want to think. its beautiful. Your writing is like the flow of an angels wings. Great job
<3
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really great write that really allows the reader to feel the emotion or remember feeling it great work
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lol. wow....this made me laugh, the dramatics to it
but great poem! and good luck
take care, Stephanie ♥
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