Observe the two in their
Identical sway,
Bobbing in the time brook. Moving
At just a trickle.
Just another thing that doesn't work
Quite like it should.
They amble along,
Backs hunched like forts
Against the heavy barreling wind,
hoping that this venture
Out into the cold
Will delay the moment
They'll both have to face.
The leaves scatter on the ground
Like a copper mosaic.
Maybe,
One of them thinks,
It's better to be hungry.
Maybe if I'm hollow someone
Will come to fill me.
Maybe if we stay out in the cold
We'll remember how to call upon gods.
A contest entry
- i need to have control over my sound. - word prompt quickie by stasis.
400 points, ended January 9, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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For me, your poem is understood on many levels. For instance, "the two" could be ants, flowers, people, and/or things...
The initial stanza causes the reader to re-read to comprehend what you might be speaking. The second stanza gives the impression that "They" are having a time of it against the elements. Therefore, I equate "They" to be either small children or senior citizens. That is my subjective view, which may be way off base.
The last stanza ends the poem with the idea that these people or things have had very different experiences because of the way they respond to their circumstances. This passage also gives the reader a glimpse of imagery and feel.
A very inventive work of poetry is scribed here. It is always my pleasure to read poetry that makes me ponder ideas, and ideals. The abstract feel of this work is most welcome on a site that tends to be far more cliché than need be.
Nicely crafted!
Much Love & Respect ♥
Renee
P.S. I saw that you wanted comments while you were conversing in the chatterbox. I thought I would oblige.
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its good but i think it could better its just that im reading it and i dont understand wut its about
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It's about aging. And just telling me that doesn't really help me to improve it ><
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