You turned tap water
into wine
as I walked on
skyscrapers
and skinned
my elbow
on the moon
where fear
became ecstasy
that lingered
beyond Sunday
morning sheets
and frosted flakes;
I tasted gravity
on your lips
that pulled
me into unholy
scenarios
as plasma
drenched my
egg shell skin
that seeped
through open pores;
You were an
entity that
couldn't be stopped
and I was a heroine
without a hero,
placed in snowglobe
of desolation
as I fed demons
with a spoon,
my last supper
Author notes
Number 6, disaster
A contest entry
- UNPLANNED: Round 1 by Never Fall in Love.
700 points, ended January 18, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
8/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
6/10 - poetic devices/technique
9/10 - imagery
8/10 - emotion
total: 31/40
This was overall a very well written peice, the only thing that annoyed me ad so you lost points for it was your line breaks.
I think that it wouldhave been better not to use as many and if you do decide to keep it that way, you ay want to review it as the breaks are not in the most effective areas.
for example, this:
tasted gravity
on your lips
that pulled
me into unholy
scenarios
as plasma
drenched my
egg shell skin
that seeped
through open pores;
could be turned into:
I tasted gravity
on your lips
that pulled me
into
unholy scenarios
as plasma
drenched
my egg shell skin
that seeped through
open
pores;
[notice the breaks becoming pauses]
a really good job
-
-
The line breaking was bothering me a little bit as well. I have issues with that..lol. I guess practice makes perfect. Thanks for the advice
-
-
30/40
7/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
8/10 - poetic devices/technique
8/10 - imagery
7/10 - emotion
I loved your imagery in the first, the metaphor in the second, and the story behind the third. I thought this piece needed more of a background though. The imagery and metaphor wasn't enough to great a full emotion - it had some - but not as much as it could of had.
A bigger story behind the disaster, that connects the full piece together, and adds a strong spin to it, you know?
Really though, besides that, you have some great potential in this write when it comes to your more contemporary writing... and defiantly your imagery.
Well done!
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