Paul,
I stayed on the shore until the day was done. Stretched wide my hands, the falling sun in one and a climbing moon in the other.
This was the only gift I could give.
I remember when I fell in love. Invited you to stay in my hut on the edge of the world. Rough with brown bark topped planks, which overlapped under a clay tile roof. It had no foundation; stood off the ground on a set of staddle stones. You said you loved how it felt solitary, field-flung, and perched.
Our first date I tried to get everything ready for you-
Piled wood in the stove, found candles, made the bed with new sheets, shelled beans into a pot, and put the steak under a cloth to keep the flies away. The old radio broadcasted NPR.
That night in our unsteady bed, I lay awake while you slept. Listened to noises and thought about the miracle of the most unfamiliar of them all-
Your breathing...
How it distracted me from the narrow air flow of the stove where the low fire burned; the quiet hiss of water heating in the kettle on the stove top; the draught through the key hole rattling the heavy bolt chain; the wind like a mouth organ.
I put my mouth to yours, and we changed as you kissed me in your sleep. I lay down my hand on your stomach and followed the rise and fall of another land.
You are inhaling the cold night air in Iraq, but in my dreams it’s all salt water and you’re immersed. Floating face up in an underwater cave, holding the head of Lance Corporal Riley in the air instead of your own. I want you to know that there is nothing you could have done better to save him. I fear you are floating under his world.
I fear my voice has become strange and far off
I hope my memories of our first night together are bright and hit like a flat sword, that the water will open and you will rush up for air. Around you stars rest on the water; kick them with your upturned feet. Make yourself a pattern and reflect back to my outstretched palm.
When you come home, we’ll light a fire and drink some wine and recognize each other in a place that is ours. Your parts broken, my parts whole, we will begin again. You will tell me your stories before the tide covers everything we have made and i will listen and love you still.
Wifey
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Author notes
Grunts Girl
(The day before christmas one of his men was blown up by a grenade- I know he takes it hard and I feel his pain through time and space. When he hurts, I hurt.)
Thanks slushes 
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Comments
1 - 37 of 37
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Gorgeous
God, that's beautiful. You're a great writer. It's such a joy to encounter eloquence like this. The last paragraph really got me. He's a lucky man to have such a strong and supportive wife. Thanks to you both for my freedom, and deepest condolences on the loss of Lance Corporal Riley. You're right. I'm sure if there was something your husband could have done to save him, he would have done it. I hope he's not playing the "should have" game. It's never a good thing to look back with the benefit of hindsight and second guess ourselves. We always do our best. The awareness we gain later doesn't change that. Again, please tell him he's my hero and despite all the Americans who don't recognize the evil he's fighting - the Islamo-fascists who want to "bury America in a sea of fire" (the ones our media call "insurgents") - the majority of Americans love and respect soldiers and all they sacrifice for us and America.
Take care,
Mark Rickerby
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*gulp* I tried to hold back the tears as I read this, didn’t work. An amazing piece Heidi.
All the best,
MJ.
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Your relationship with your husband while he is away in service is so amazingly touching, raw and beautiful. I must say it seems like it should become a novel of letters for others to read and see how deep this whole world of love and war runs. I mean that in the best of ways, as in how strong we are at the core for supporting what we believe in and who we love.
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phew...I'm glad I waited to read this. You handled this with such care... the love comes through these words like electricity
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sigh...i just love to read this, heidi.
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I always dread reading you. I don't feel very much about stuff, not really. I simulate feelings a lot of the time. Can't help it, it's just the thing I have that has become what I am. You see, you are one of the few people who cut through the blockers and make poetry do what it should do. It is because it is raw and it is real and in the rawness and the realness and the awfulness of this world you show us the absolutes, and in the absolutes the beauty transcends it all.
Bravo.
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this was the most beautiful comment i have ever received.
thank you so much
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'Make yourself a pattern and reflect back to my outstretched palm.'
I think that's my favourite line...shows how big your heart is, how much you care for him, your concern...show this to him. I think he'll love it
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yes
this is exceptional, it masde me a little sad but im glad i read it -
yes.
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no
maybe?
lol
eh just messin with ya
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someone just directed me to this heidi.. shows how little i look outside the group now....
i love this
i love how much you love him.. and how your great your capacity for mending.. and caring and holding tight the one you love..
this is wonderful
as are you
m
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TY
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I agree with all of the other entries, your husband should read this. It is beyond beautiful.
Honestly, I have had my breath swept from my by work on AP... but this really hit me, like a kick in the solar plexus.
This must have been so painful for you to write...
I am bookmarking this. It's the best I've read so far.
♣ Tegan
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wow
see i really should catch up on the board... this was my first read
love and light
keep hangin' on
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I now that feeling. I can't stand to be away form the one I love. Its very moving
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This moved me so...
absolutely took my breath away. It must be so hard to be apart. I hope you share this one with Paul. Stunning.
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I was just thinking about this the other day and wondering to myself what you must be going through. As each day brings Paul a little closer to you, i know anxiety must be building but you are Strong Heidi and we both know that. I don't have many words of comfort to give but I will always have you both in my thoughts and prayers.
Thanks for sharing this
Ken
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Heidi,
Very heart felt letter. The entire time I was in Nam, I got two letters. One was to let me know that my dog had died. I can't remember the other.
I hope that Paul does read this. If not soon, then someday. It will touch his heart.
Thanks,
Joe
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As Al would say 'nuff said'!
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I don't even know what to say to this, it is so incredibly personal and poignant. My heart goes out to both of you.
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best letter i have read on this site, bar none. jesus, heidi. you had me feeling really strong emotions that i rarely feel when i read stuff on this site.
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you know how much i love this and how it's grown and breathed in us all
much love
G.x
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did you love it like talcom love or just love?
lol heee heee
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Wow, wow. This has so much resonance for me. I could write a little letter of my own here about how this struck me, how powerful and beautiful and authentic, and how I get the particular-ness of loving between two individuals. The sound of someone else breathing in the room. How amazing it is, and you really illustrated that beautifully.
the immersion in water seems like a kind of purgatory, a place where one goes when there's not a feeling of belonging, connection, when torment and regret pulls us from the source of our peace.
So, Okay, I love it.
You've got me covetting the slushy group thing.
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the other letters are amazing in the slush group
some of them are up
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"Your parts broken, my parts whole, we will begin again."
I envy that, Heidi, on so many levels.
Send this to him.
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When i talk to him on the phone i will have a feel for how receptive he would be to it... i hope i will, i am pretty sure i will... just waiting on the timing, i think.
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i was tired of reading letters until i found this one. this is more perfect than all the others combined. its miraculous. the imagery overwhelms while you whisper the sentiment beneath. fuck. you dont need compliments. you surely know how great this is.
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this is bigger than beautiful.
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nahhh cant be bigger than you!!!
lol
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paul must read this...
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