I
She reeked of carelessness,
her clothes doused with insouciance;
crying fat tears for her inconvenience
while my child’s blood pooled
in the Rorschach patterns
of endless nightmares.
Cradled by strangers on
gritty pavement, his last
breaths sighed for lost promises
as I waited in flannel comfort
for his loping step on
tread worn stairs.
II
Buffed and polished,
demure and angelic,
she offered her well coached
façade to sympathetic eyes.
Crying on cue
she reduced his life to happenstance;
a spontaneous renting of the cosmic curtain
where inebriation protects and
sobriety dooms.
Her wrist slapped with country club rehab,
a subtle smirk crept over plastic features,
a sense of privilege radiating from ancient eyes.
III
I wear death’s pall like a leaden blanket
dwelling in the netherworld where existence replaces life
searching for the moment when energy will coalesce;
that perfect instance when she is carefree,
though never innocent
and I will be there.
Author notes
Crime pursued by vengence - CitrineSunrise
A contest entry
- UNPLANNED: Round 1 by Never Fall in Love.
700 points, ended January 18, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
How do you think I could improve this poem?
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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I love 111 section
Brilliant
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Do to the high difficulty level of your prompt, Chandni and myself have given your score TWO (2) bonus points out of a possible two.
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31/40
7/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
8/10 - poetic devices/technique
8/10 - imagery
8/10 - emotion
I loved some of your vocabulary in certain spots, where the words were just chosen so well... such as "coalesce" and "inebriation"... however in a few spots I thought some of the descriptive words were a bit over the top and it made it hard to zone in on the emotion - but this only happened in a few spots, personally.
I found that I could feel that there was a lot of emotion circling through the minds of the characters in the piece... I could feel the emotion there - I had a hard time connecting with it, but that can be the case in pieces like this, especially when it something that I wouldn't relate to.
I thought you could've taken the prompt a little more creatively, but what you did with it was well done... your story really pulls the reader in and it really makes me see what is happening.
Well penned, Liz
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7/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
7/10 - poetic devices/technique
8/10 - imagery
6/10 - emotion
total: 28/40
I normally suggest slow reads to use many line breaks so that the pause in each place is given to soften the tone and flow of the poem - that however is probably a personal preference.
One thing i felt was that the tone in which this was carried out was impersonal - I didn't feel the emotion running out, even though there was some brilliant witty phrases and good imagery.
Good job. -
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Thank you for your honest critique. I think that my style of poetry is too constrained for this type of contest. As I have grown older I have lost the ability to wear my heart on my sleeve as many of the younger poets in this contest are able to do. I appreciate the chance to participate, but I understand that this contest is probably not a good fit for me. Peace, Liz
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I think you're still able to do that. This is just the starting round and so we chose a rubric that as small and didn't mark down people on small technical things - later on in the rounds, judging is going to b more thorough and so for a person like yourself, you can lose points in one area and gain considerably in anoher. This round is simply a set-up for he next and I hope you are not discouraged by my comment and will stay in the competition - especially as your marks and talent are high
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Powerful
It always saddens me to read about death, especially death of a child. If this is real you hav e my deepest sympathy and comfort, and if this is not my sympathy reaches out to all who have lost a child.
Very dark, emotional write.
Regards,
- A.C.
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Winklings Reading List
Oh my
~
I can't help crying at this, having lost a son some years ago it always affects me reading something like this - I pray thisn't personal for you; if it is then my prayers go to you
Beautifully stark, richly sad and darkly honest
♥
Stay safe
~Manda
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A great set of vignettes, with the undertone of growing wrath and the need, no, the JUSTICE of vengeance! Well written, smooth flow, extremely visual. Well-done. Good luck in the contest.
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Though your poem does not name the crime, it is clear and gives a sense of unfairness as well as tragedy. I am moved by the death of a teen, especially when the accident is not really accidental. This is excellent verse, taut and dark.
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I like this narritive, the imagery is powerful, moving and at times enchanting. Well done, in my eyes this has a quiet beauty to it.
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Liz, this is a great poem you wrote! Filled with a lot of sadness. Best of luck in the contest.
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