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Stepping Out


The light begs my arrival,
the darkness begs I stay,

forever restricted by chains
of failed chances that dance
on my head ...

Repeated cries from inside
my mind demand I make
a stand and scream.

The light gets brighter
with each step I take

beyond this dark door,
that’s rarely ajar.

A contest entry

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    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • Max Alexandersson
    September 10
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    Brilliant, dude.

  • Eusebius
    August 26

    Edit | Reply
    a dark piece, yes, though not without a note of hope at the end.. a fine write, and I enjoyed it a great deal!!!


  • doyouloveit
    June 15

    Edit | Reply
    The light begs my arrival,
    the darkness begs I stay,

    this line is where i struggle the most in my personal life cuz sometimes when youve been in the dark for so it seems safer ya know but the light also seems to hold differents kinds of things that make you smile a bit more nicely done I like your writing


  • Anemone-Rose
    January 13
    Edit | Reply
    short yet the stor between them coinsides, nicely done, wish you luck in my contest.


  • Andrew Norris
    January 5

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    I recognise something in this poem, maybe it is hesitation to take a step into the unknown. The opening was a bit curious, though. The title suggests motion but if the light begs your arrival, to where? when it seems you have already arrived at a place where you are staying. 'Leaving' would, perhaps, be a more fitting. Being restricted by chains...well, it is quite an obvious metaphor, don't you think? The next verse is ok. I feel that in it there is quite a degree of frustration building up, this works for me. But the line, there is much more, does not seem to serve any purpose and dilutes the anticipation begun in the previous verse. At first I was not sure about the two words, dark door, together. They were a little awkward to read but later changed my opinion. That combination slows the reading so that one can savour the last line. I have just one other issue and that is a spacial one. To me it seems as if you are taking steps 'towards' this dark door rather than 'beyond' it, and that the light itself is beyond the door. Hope I have not been to harsh. Regards


    • Uniquely-Scarred
      January 5
      Edit | Reply
      thank you for your time and i really respect what you said, they are all things i considerd while writing this freewrite, i like to present things they way they come out at the start, somtimes it works then others like this one perhaps need a bit of work thank you and take care

      John


  • Girl-Interrupted gold member
    January 5

    Edit | Reply
    The light gets brighter
    With each step I take
    Beyond this dark door,
    That’s rarely ajar    .

    I loved the above lines.... kind of gives hope to all that seems unsurmountable...

    amazing job!

    becca

1 - 11 of 11