Save Me From Yourself

This isn't a structured poem. But he told me months ago to write. And I haven't. I refused to. But this is what I'm putting onto 'paper'...finally. But I guess in it's general terms it's a poem. It'll consist of everything that makes a poem. Emotions...feeling...actions...dreams...goals...pain...hope...isn't that what makes a poem? A poem in all sense's...is life. Isn't it? Well that's everything that's going into this. Life....

I don't quite know what I feel. Maybe i'll discover it while I paste everything to this page. Maybe I'll figure out why he's able to hurt me the way he does without even knowing he does it. I sit here, aching from the inside out. All because of a stupid picture...all because I know I can't completely trust him. Hell, he's made it quite clear I can't completely trust him. But I'm so tired of waiting...of loving...of devoting myself...I hate the pain. I'm breaking.

I just want to let go. Let him go...let those around me that just really don't care go. But I can't. It's like every time I think I'm close enough to push them out...something in me breaks. Something vital and alive. Something I can't live and go on without. Why damn it!! Why the hell is that!? When we're together he's so caring...he seems like he's trying so hard. But the instant he's out of sight...I know what goes on. And he can't even be honest about it. But I sit here, like a fool, and close my mouth. Allowing him to run free. Responsibilities minimal. He walks away without so much as a scratch while I'm sitting here silently bleeding to death. Should I just go on bleeding? Maybe one day he'll see what he's done...maybe he'll notice how much he's lost by waiting and 'playing' his way through life.

I have my kids. My two beautiful babies! I have them forever...or for as long as God allows. They are my light...my reasons for breathing...my life. If I were heartless enough I could take them away from him. Show him what life really would be like alone. I could force myself to get on with life. To make something of myself without him having anything to do with it or me. I could put my dreams out there and make them as real as they can be...But there's always going to be something missing. Always going to be that aching pain in the gut...the heart...I'll never be rid of it. And I don't know if I can live with that. Like that. Doesn't he see what a beautiful family we are when we're really together?

I know none of this makes sense. God I know it looks like a jumbled mess of nonsense. It is a jumbled mess of nonsense. But I've got no where else to put it. No one else to say it to. Only here....always here...

I want to just scream and tell him how badly he's screwing up. To tell him how very much I love him. To show him that I really am there for him no matter what. I may not always understand what he's dealing with or going through or even feeling. But I'm there. I've always been there. He can come to me. Even if he doesn't want to tell me what's wrong...all he has to do is come to me....Damn it! Why does it feel like I'm standing right in front of him but he can't see or hear me? No matter how loud I scream and cry...no matter how hard I try to touch him. I feel like a ghost.

Is it so bad to want a family? To want a unit that doesn't break? One that he and I can both depend on. One that both of my kids know they can run to for anything. One that doesn't leave when the times up. Doesn't he want that? He tells me so often how it breaks his heart when he has to go home and our son cries....he cries and holds onto him like the worlds ending. And I've seen it break him. I've seen it tear him to pieces. So why does he still turn and walk away?? How is he able to do that? I've seen it in his eyes what he feels in his heart. But he just won't accept it. Won't admit to it. Is his pride or whatever else that's in the way worth losing that beautiful little boy? Or this amazingly fragile and gorgeous little girl that worships you? Is it really that meaningless?

He has everything he could ever want or need in front of him. And he holds unconditional love in his hands. What more could you need? What more can I give!!?? He has all of me....there's nothing left for me. How do I open his eyes? DON'T YOU CARE THAT I AM SO IN LOVE WITH YOU!!?? DON'T YOU CARE THAT YOUR CHOICES EFFECT TWO CHILDRENS' LIVES!!?? Please.....please just come home before it's gone.

I'm breaking...I can't break. I'm not allowed to. Two lives depend on me being whole and capable of caring for their well being. But I'm breaking. I can't make it stop. I've tried. I've even tried pretending. Pretending it's all OK. That I'm OK with the way things are. But I'm not. Oh my God I'm not!! I sit there and watch him with my babies. With our babies...and there's so much love there it feels like my entire body will explode with it. It's painful how much I love him! And that moment he's holding or tiny little daughter...and she's grabs his finger...or smiles at him...he looks up at me...and there's everything I've ever dreamed of in his eyes. Unconditional love...devotion..awe...passion...everything!! So do I need to get a damn video recorder so he can see what I see?

I just don't know. I'm so lost....so ...confused. I can't say I'm hopeless because I think that's why I'm still holding onto him. I'm hurting....I'm angry....I'm so desperately sad. Ungodly sad. But at the same time...and this is the confusing part...I'm so amazingly happy with him. There's the hope...there's joy...laughter...giddiness....passion....But it's all secondhand...mostly one sided...I don't know what to do anymore!!

He needs to save me....by making his final choice. Love me and live as a family....or leave me and my kids forever. There's only two ways to make this right. And my God he needs to choose one and stay out of the middle. Please please save me!!!