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i ..
i feel you,
breath burning my neck.
i hear you,
drinking in my scent like a drug.
whispers, your whispers,
i must acknowledge and accept them
as
truth.
&i tense but you react immediately--
white knuckles clenching my throat
i feel the warmth of your body
so close
to my own
so close,
i can feel your heartbeat
.
.
.
.
.
.
i ..
can't breathe
light is scarce.
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you,
oh, the way
you crumble under my restraint
you collapse inside.
beneath the rubble,
there lies
your dirty, dirty heart
the tainted existence that is yours
and i,
no, i spare no mercy
noescape
dried tears and
weak, weathered screams;
yes,
you are mine.
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I don't think there needs to be much changing...or any changing. I like it the way it is. If I had to nit-pick I guess I'd say that I'm not too fond of the drawn out spaces, though I understand their purpose. I guess I think in terms of getting things publishied a lot. I'm not sure if it was intentional but you've got two words together somewhere along the lines (no pun intended) "reactimmediately" Other than that I like it. What made me absolutely sure that I liked it was:
"you,
oh, the way
you crumble under my restraint
you collapse inside."
Without a doubt my favorite part that made the poem for me.
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the run-together words were intentional, but you aren't the first one to think it didn't sound quite right. i meant the line to read quicker than the rest of the poem, but i wasn't sure how to show it. thanks much for the kind words, and i think you and i share the same favourite piece of the poem. it was meant more as a mental, emotional type domination, not so much physical pain. i personally thought those lines showed it best.
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This is subtle without being oppressive. Also as it plays out I don't find brutality in it either. There is a point where a vine strangles a rose and the rose accepts its fate. This is how the write smelled to me. I love the way that AP asks the question above your response as a commentor, "How does it make you feel?" As if each piece one reads puts them on the psyche chair? I don't mind being there for you, I just never thought reading poetry meant I needed counseling or my head examined. Perhaps I should rethink reading your work and go back into my past loves and lovers. RC
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i like that, the statement about the rose. and, actually, that question was one that i asked
i wanted to know if readers would feel just how i felt when i wrote this. you probably don't need counseling, don't worry
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this is pretty intense.
I like what you have done with the layout of this poem, it is very well presented.
The dark sensuality of the poem is both beautiful and harsh. The sense of dominance and opression is well crafted.
Good work here.
In terms of criticisms - theres not much i would change. I don't think reactimmediately works as a runtogether word particularly well. however noescape is perfect.
i...
can't breathe
light is scarce
quite haunting
thanks for the read
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nice job. I like the idea of the big flip, the first half she is dominating, and by the end you have the upper hand as she "crumbles under" your false passiveness. I think if there's an area to improve it would be to smooth out the transition. We go from "i can't breathe, light is scarce" right into her crumbling. Perhaps another stanza to show your beginning of the transition between dominance? Per your question on how this makes me feel...id say it reminds me of the ugly sides of love and how close violence and mind games are to it. It unsettles me, so well done there.
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BlackKnight is right, it's actually the same experience from two points of view: the sub, and then the dom.
thanks for your comment, though, i got just about the feedback i was hoping for.
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I think you need to re-read that first part. The narrator isn't the one dominating.
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