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Haiku upgraded, part one.

the sleek black marble floor
bare skin presses against it
two dinners grow cold

a bathtub fills deep
the scent of rain permeates
water overflows

now summer dusk
crickets dance in the distance
a storm grows lonely

sweat trickling across
a glistening river that flows
down his spine’s sexy crevice

thoughts clouding our minds
a world outside waits still
we should just let go

champagne flutes shatter
shaking bloody fingertips
he kisses them clean

snow flakes fall at dawn
a winter wakes from exile
then the morning comes

nostalgia creeps below
sweet nothings that mean everything
and then the whisper

let me take you away
with all my love and my pain
drench you in forever

Author notes

the poem, although fairly accurate, does not follow all the technical guidelines of the normal 'haiku'. besides the obvious fact that the poem, in and of itself, is made up of a series of nine stanzas [little haikus], each individual stanza does not always follow the five-seven-five syllable rule. i am fully aware of this, and it was intentional. i wanted the poem to be haiku-esque with words that sounded complimentary of one another. i did not seek perfection, but instead, wanted the poem to speak for itself. i wouldn't have it any other way. overall, i am quite happy with this as well as my additional poetry. thank you for reading.

please continue the story with reading my follow-ups:
'haiku upgraded, part two'.
'haiku upgraded, part three'.

what do you think? any thoughts, questions, comments, observations, critiques, etc. are greatly appreciated.

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Comments

  • liltxgirl
    January 26
    Edit | Reply
    it was beautiful and it was vivid and sentual


  • Miss Faerie Greeters member
    January 6

    Edit | Reply

    Welcome to Allpoetry

    A beautiful piece, your explanation is concise and allows us to see what it is that you are doing.

    Your imagery is vivid, and gives thought to a relationship not quite working, but there is effort there to a degree.

    Excellent use of language, however, being as long as it is punctuation my also be effective.

    Welcome to Allpoetry
    I hope that you enjoy the site, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask


  • Blueskywonder
    January 5
    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful!
    Your imagery is vivid and so sensual