you've got me
deeper than i am wide
despite how shallow
you can be sometimes
like when you saw
the curves of my skin
& wouldn't watch
the sand that poured
through my hourglass
turning me
into a pear
as moisture rotted
the stitches
between pores
because there was no shape
i could become
that you would want
to savour me.
& you made me
malleable:
my skin, playdough
& you knew
how to mold me
just right
to be wrong for you
no matter what
i said or did
or what fruity scent
i smelled or tasted like
today
you wouldn't let me
play with your tongue
to find out
what your tastebuds
liked about me -
if anything.
you were substance,
something that i could
get addicted to
without understanding
what element
(or which combination)
did it for me;
all i discovered was
that my saltwater taffy
lips couldn't even
kiss you better
when you were feeling
five-and-a-half feet
under, just your eyes
peering out
& ducking under
when you saw me.
though i understood
what you needed,
i couldn't help
but to wish i could help
by bringing a peachy blush
to your cheeks
as we'd build a sandcastle
out of our bodies
& cleanse our past
at high tide together.
instead, i sat
chin deep in low tide
as sunset stole
any colour from my cheeks
& the saltwater
only washed you
into any cut i had;
i became the wave
that became rip current
of you
when i touched shore.
i knew
that it didn't matter
anymore
& so i dove, deeper
than the depth you wanted.
A contest entry
- the emotional rounds - 2 by Ryno.
600 points, ended January 10, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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second stanza, all that imagery was a bit much I think. I mean, 'depth' to 'shallow' was a good, solid intro; but from sand to 'pear' had a me a little confuddled. It still transitioned well. I suggest maybe finding a way to split it into two stanzas. Just as a thought. Great work though, especially towards the end.
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I agree. like this started out as an idea, and then just went all blurry, and then cleared up in the end - for me. I feel like this one needs some definite work. *blushes*
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O, my.
I loved the scenario you took this prompt to. You brought the reader into your own situation and demanded that they would feel how confusing this relationship is for you... how you just plain don't understand where it is going. What you want. Or what the other person wants -
wonderfully displayed.
Also, your images and metaphors each separately portraying a different aspect... and brilliantly opened and closed by an overall metaphor.
"just right
to be wrong for you
no matter what
i said or did"
... in that stanza, right in the middle of those four lines, I would defiantly put another stanza. When I was reading it, I couldn't help but feel how much stronger that part would if it was separated, for some reason.
This was a beautifully, yet... sadly, etched story - with the confusion lurking behind. Well done.
Thanks for the entry.
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you're right that that reads well separated to put more emphasis on the "just right to be wrong for you". for now I've just added a line beak, and I'll see afterwards (another time) whether there's other modifications/adjustments that I want to do in there. (not feeling poetic right now, haha)
thank you so much
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I absolutely loved the first line here poet.
I also love the use of; "malleable". You left a nice impression on me with that word.
I like the tongue teasing in this stanza as well. Clever!
The lead line to the third stanza is ingenious! Loved the references; "substance""addicted"...
The ending wrapped it all up into a wonderful image that nearly caused me to gasp for air. An Excellent entry! I could feel the ambivalence, the teeter-totter of the mind worked exceedingly well here poet. A very emotional work of free verse.
I wish you the best in the challenge.
Much Love & Respect ♥
Renee
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awwww thank you so much, Renee
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