We used to run where the green fields shined
Grabbing fistfuls of mud from the top of the hill
Together we danced, with our wildest will
And the whole world was yours, and you were mine.
We used to pick those untamed flowers
Dandelions, with frowzy yellow heads
I gave my best one to you instead
And you placed it neatly in your bower.
We used to swing our little red pails
And make castles in the glowing sand
- you took my shovel, I took your hand -
And together we acted out storytales.
Ten years pass - Alas! Childhood never stays -
But I'll never forget those sweet dandelion days.
Author notes
After some revision, here's what I've written. =) I did not plan originally to write a sonnet, but it kind of just turned out that way... ah well, I think it's okay. Hope you like it!
A contest entry
- Only Rhymes please # 2 Remember when we played. by januaryrain.
700 points, ended January 23, 2009, 20 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - round one (for everyone) prewrite contest ENTER ENTER ENTER (AND YES THAT MEAN'S YOU too by serenity silvermoon.
927 points, ended February 16, 2009, 1454 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
-
I love this!!! Definitely a good write!!!
Keep up the good work!!!!
-
Excellent title. Enjoyable imagery and story-telling. Well rhymed. When you address the meter, it will flow more smoothly. Impressive that you have the interest and patience to tackle this form. I applaud you!
-
I love a sonnet, I like your poem too, though the meter is off a bit, you have lot's of time to revise if you are going to.
- you took my shovel, I took your hand -
I love this line and the last line of course.
It does have real potential.
thank you for the entry.
-
-
thanks! I will try to revise this poem a bit before the contest is over, thanks for giving me time to improve. =)
-
-
While I think this poem has real, real potential and I absolutely adore the message [so cute!!] I think you need to check out your meter. It's kind of all over the board ranging from seven to ten syllables roughly. I really do like the story line though, and love this line
"But I'll never forget those sweet dandelion days."
Take care and best of luck!
Kelsey-Jo
-
-
Thanks for the comment! Yup, the meter's messed up, but it's a new poem... I'll be sure to revise it. I'm glad you liked it.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 6 of 6
