i watched a fly land
on your high cheekbone
both of you were so still
finding nothing to fear
in familiarity
i try not to believe
that we're lodged in the chambers
of the 22 that jammed on you twice
waiting for some chemical reaction
to stir us from this parallax slumber
the ink of a prescription
tore through our bleeding tunnels
to let us know the lesser evil
still hurts, pressing
a hand over eyes ears and lips
only made it
free to prey upon
the last remaining fragments
of us standing
in the center of a room
surrounded by dusty beer,
cellophane, and broken glass
our new religion
our manufactured god
materialized into compacted powder,
the wizard behind the curtains
that envelop our eyes
and postmark them to the clouds
where not even orpheus can find us
yes, they worshipped mary --
when god is born in our brains
are we not every bit as divine?
if in a dried tear duct we find
an exhausted glimmer of humanity
that sparkles brighter than the rocks
you were too young to move,
when the sun is something other
than blistering or absent --
maybe then we'd sleep
without worry of drive-by rain
and not miss the culling voices
that have sung forever
in every sanctum of our ears:
we will die
here
Author notes
true
A contest entry
- Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird by film.
700 points, ended January 11, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
spill
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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i am opting to not say anything constructive and just tell you that i loved this and i'm bookmarking it.
thanks to you for existing and everything
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i haven't said anything worthwhile/productive about any of your poems in a while and the majority of comments you get are generally non-constructive. i vaguely remember you mentioning that this was among your best poems, which i disagree with. there are a few you posted several months ago which went unnoticed for the most part and were stronger. this one has a stranger/stronger cohesiveness than others, or maybe i just think so because it's more interestingly executed. anyway,
i don't like the chemical reaction in the second stanza. it sounds as if it goes out of it's way to be there. i probably just consider it obtrusive because it interferes weakly with a vacant/motionless and doldrumish state you create in the first half of that stanza and the previous one.i don't know. it's just a weird image and i have a vague sense that a more forceful image could be incorporated more effectively there though i'm not sure what it is.
the rest of the poem is on par with the standard of unique imagery you've set for yourself but also has a resonating emotional charge to it, the effects of the end of one stanza blending into and overlapping the beginning of the next. that feeling is the reason i think the poem is connected so well. yeah. and everything from drive-by rain onwards is amazing. three claps for you
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w0w0w0w0w0w finally constructive criticism!
okay, so this wouldnt be top 5 for me, but definitely one of the ones i like more- probably just because it's one of the most honest.
i thought it was important to have something action-related in the 2nd stanza, because, while we aint goin nowhur, we been lookin and thinkin like we is. which is kind of the whole point. throughout the poem, there's all this shit happening, there's all of this motion, there's energy- and yet, none of it really does anything, none of us really do anything. hence, we will die here, and it's all too fucking obvious.
i think the main and most obvious qualm someone would have with this piece is: "here are two COMPLETELY different topics that should be two completely different pieces." but these two topics were inspired by the same person, so, for me, they naturally go together. so that's at least why things are the way they are. i don't usually like revision and i've found neat little connections between the two that basically forced me to force myself to keep things as they are. but this poem would get torn up in any sort of critical review. it's just one of my favorites that i've written.
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your "i" is a capital---use it! you're worth it!
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mom says three claps lol
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I WAS BEGINNING TO WONDER WHY I HAD AN ALL POETRY,
CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT
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people need to stop entering this contest
the brilliance is blinding
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when god is born in our brains
are we not every bit as divine?
I think thats really something to think about, not that we could ever know, more of a philosophy or food for thought. mmm
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i want to be good at cubism too :C
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The last stanza is definitely my favorite... reading this poem felt like walking through a very dirty city...reading the last stanza felt like washing my hands.
But it was all brilliant.
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i almost closed this contest early out of frustration. i'm glad i didn't. the first four stanzas were my favorite
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this was really two poems turned into one. i was just writing stream of consciousness, and the two ideas were inspired by my relationship with this one person. and i wrote the second half of the poem first, and then the beginning. i like the style of the 1st half more, but i think the themes in stanzas 5-7 are stronger. go figure
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i actually had to shut off my music to read this, i never have to do that
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it's hard listening to two songs at once
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lol
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