I spilled the last grains of time to the wind and the grave;
the memory lingers
in the glimmer of an eye and between the lines of a poem,
written years ago.
I don't see anything but colors,
and the silhouettes are just lies of the shadows.
but tonight when the sun shone red and the horizon glowed through lines of brilliant color, I saw his face
beneath a beautiful range of rainbow, covering all his hurt.
theres nothing I can say or do to let him know-
that I know.
And that I'm here in that exact
same.
spot.
Author notes
I wish i could go right out and say it.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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The thing that stands out most to me, is that its not formed. It is simply -written-, which makes it a fine showing of yours feelings at a point in time, but poor as, how can this be said. . . a syphon of yourself into another. It lacks projection, does that make sense?
First thing I would change to make it more. . . poetic for lack of a better term: Poetry is not sentences, it is exemplary conciseness. It using -phrases- to explain something through metaphor or example, rather than dragging sentences. I know sentence structure would innately seem the more concise option, especially considering I basically suggest clouding your meaning by using phrases --- but this allows the reader to 'read between the lines' so to speak, it allows them to draw there own conclusions rather than having one specifically spelled out to them. Sure there are times when its appropriate to do so, and that's purely discretionary, but you see where I'm going with that.
Contractions, "don't" rather than "do not" et cetera, are quite often detractors. They are easy to say true, and they allow you to cut out a syllable easily without removing a word or breaking open the thesaurus, but they don't -flow-, they don't -convey-, they're basically, well they always felt rather 'lazy' to me if you get my meaning.
Stanza structure is important, try to at least make a visual one if not include true meter and rhyme. There is a difference between "free-verse" and "free-flow". In the former, the standards such as those of Couplets or Sonnets (the two most well known anymore) are not followed, but rather the author's own ideals of meter and possibly rhyme are used. In the latter, words are just spilt forth without consideration of artistic constraints at all -- by nature, they are not poetry, and arguable as art at best -- nice when you need to get something out, but consideration of your work is better ultimately. Then again, in modern writing it is actually almost common to see "free-flow poetry" actually get published over the more formal brethren.
Never begin a line with a conjunction, I don't care how hard it is to come up with something else, how many lines have to be changed to accommodate it, never write a poor line simply because the prior one left you no choice, fix the prior, then try.
Looking at your sentence structure I can really only recommend doing a couple brush-up exorcises on phrases that are, and ones that are not sentences. A seemingly simple concept can allude even the best writers when they are in a rush to get a sudden burst of inspiration down on paper.
If you're looking for examples of any of the above, I can probably find you some poetry to compare with, either from this site, or older things from dead people ^.^.
Anyway that's about all I have got for you for now, I hope to se you continue to grow mate,
Ta-Ta,
Emonquente -
I know this feeling, or. . . I knew it rather.
Its a bit unsteady. . . poor footing in a hazed mind -- I like that.
The writing itself, minus content, is flawed -- but that is not a terrible hinderence here so I do not care to elaborate further unless you ask for me to later.
Pleasure reading.
Ta-ta,
Emonquente. -
this is really amazing, i can feel the nausea in my heart that it brings (its a good thing trust me). this poem is deep, it almost overwhelms me in emotion. thank you for this wonderful write, i hope whatever you are going through gets better (or produces more poems such as these, lol!
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