you have such a way
with the sky
you could contain it
in four walls, if wanted
and then there would be
no limits to stop this
no weather running through
our growing bones
A contest entry
- 12 lines or less by Melissa Gayle.
600 points, ended January 4, 22 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Shoot.
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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wow....haha....wow....this is like...better than outstandingly wicked ass-tastic!
haha. congrats on the hm and take care
Stephanie ♥
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wow I dont normally like this type of thing but I really like this. I know the feeling. good job
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I think this should be one whole piece without spaces -
otherwise, really well done.
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Good idea. Thanks so much for the Hm.
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i like it a lot, especially the first 4 lines.
i'd say the weakest section is the third. "and then there would be no limits", because it doesn't really bring a strong image to mind, rather, it's a transition to the next section.
i'd say it'd be stronger if you put the effect of no limits. i.e. "there would be no limits to ___ us" or whatever.
just a suggestion. it's still fine as is
-cassidy
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*edited
try it out now -
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pretty good, i think it flows better too
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good idea. it is based off the phrase "skies the limit". *thinks*
oh, and, THANK-YOU
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ooooh yes.
the title caught my eye - and i like that it adds an undertone to the rest of the piece - a subtle connotation.
this is very smart. how you can bundle sensuality and innocence in such a tight package is beyond me.
of course the first two lines are a stroke of genius - such a sweet adoration.
i love reading your work. - Nangaleema
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genius.
i don't know how the words
work
the way you make them work.
and so magically simple.
"and then there would be no limits"
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I really need to comment on your work more.
This is so fantastic, your talent really astounds me. I don't know how I never came across you before!
I love the first two lines, sheer brilliance.
Never stop writing, please. You have an amazing gift.
♣ Tegan
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Absolutly love the begining lines.
Like a breath of fresh air.
Good luck!
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"you have such a way
with the sky"
Well hot damn. I wish I'd written that...you kind of leave it ambiguous as to who you're writing about, but it sounds intimate (not like...sexually intimate LoL, but like you know them well).
This has really fluid flow.
Me likes.
;
Jessica
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well well well this is certainly quite a well penned poem lil bro. I find your work amazing here as you write with such deep depth and pasison to yuor works. anyways really love the whole concept and the point you were driving home with this write. I find myself ensnared and trapped with this write because the way you wrote this I really got the sense and feleing that this could be someone's own world and wlel them weathering the seasons would be their hurricane like mood swings and well also as if you wrote about a growing girl and what she must experience through the ages. just my opinion LOL> anyw ays aweosme write and good luck with the contest
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