i.
he slipped through my fingers
like quicksand; my tongue
rested its head on pillow-lips
as disembodied voices infiltrated
the catacombs of my mind.
steel arrows stroked the evening breeze
with lazy hands, and I wondered
how the caged bird in my throat
could sing, though there was no music left.
ii.
so frail; he walked right into
my open chest without a ripple.
transparent exoskeletons trembled
as he held these abscessed eyes,
windows through which he gazed
upon the heart of me.
but if he really could see through
the filmy layers of skin stapled shut,
would he not have known
that there was nothing there?
iii.
i remember how he loved to break things;
instead of knocking, he threw rocks
at my purple-tinted windows, and he laughed
when i told him they were made of bulletproof glass.
each embittered word fell,
pickaxes in the pit of my stomach;
i longed to tear razored wings
from the butterflies in my gut.
& choking on shards of splintered pride,
i swallowed hard...
Author notes
Love and hate for the same person; definitely not what I was planning on writing, but still very personal. At least it would have been, were I still 19 and stupid.
In a list
A contest entry
- the emotional rounds - 2 by Ryno.
600 points, ended January 10, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - True imagery.. by angelli803.
725 points, ended January 25, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Win $50, and be published in the next Allpoetry Book! Relationships theme by Kevin.
400 points, ended March 5, 115 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
-
AWE That is such a sweet story I really think you found a sweet lover to be with. This was a really sweet poem.
The Positives:
A very romatic poem that I found very touching I loved this. you did great.
The Negatives:
Great job some small grammar errors but nothing too distracting.
My Favorite Part:
so frail; he walked right into
my open chest without a ripple.
transparent exoskeletons trembled
as he held these abscessed eyes,
windows through which he gazed
upon the heart of me.
but if he really could see through
the filmy layers of skin stapled shut,
would he not have known
that there was nothing there?
This was so touching it really was a beautiful poem
Overall:
I give this an 7/10 you did great. I hope to see you in my future contests thanks so much for entering.
~*~Apathetic Poison~*~ -
holy shit, another great one you are genius, what else can i say? i do like it very much, especially how you've numbered the sections.
-
Beautiful. It is vivid not only to the senses, but to the heart as well. Many of us have certainly been there so it is quite relate-able. Loved it. Glad I stopped by to read it.
-
Forgot.
To give you these.
-
wow
This is a great piece, loved the idea of it, as well as many other things, great job good write
-
Great stuff.
You wrote this aged just 19, yeh? Now this is a true testament to the bi-polar yet always visceral nature of love. The descriptions of the need for a kind of vengeance for the inattention thus misunderstanding of what was sought and expected are great; original, too.
The degree of civilising this raw feeling is just about perfect - still retaining enough real rawness.
Take a bow, Miss IO. Then take another for writing this aged only 19 years-old. Peter...
-
I like it, some of the imagary is fantastic, but it is put in subtely, so you might almost bypass it, like beauty lost in beauty. Quite a fantastic read. Thank you for sharing.
-
nice!
i can definitely see how this won so many contests..
great work and wonderful imagery -
I love this. And I do believe I caught a Maya Angelou reference in the first vignette?
Anyway, everything about this just reeked of amazingness. You had such a way of painting all of these images that I was fully drawn in the entire time. Excellent.
♣ Tegan
-
Woww! I'm so envious of people like you who can write free verse that way.. AMAZING write. Thanks so much for entering!
-
Replete with lovely, realistic imagery and so very beautifully penned!
I guess you definitely AREN'T 19 or stupid..
Keep it coming!
~ Overcast.
-
-
Not anymore
-
-
whoa
"i longed to tear razored wings
from the butterflies in my gut.
& choking on shards of splintered pride,
i swallowed hard..."
still speechless dear poet, but I will say, it could not have ended any more simply and yet powerfully all at once! what an emotional rollercoaster!!
good luck to you! -
"how the caged bird in my throat
could sing, though there was no music left."
- Loved that. Talk about portraying your emotion through phrasing. Actually, the majority of the poem was like that; the reader could tell your emotion, and read the story behind the piece through your strong, situational imagery...
I kind of found the sections unnecessary. It didn't feel like, to me, you were really dividing it into different parts... I think, between what is now i and ii, there really didn't need to be division at all and between ii and iii a double spacing would've been really strong and good for emphasis - I feel like this is the part that concluded the rest of your piece. This is just my personal opinion, and you may have some strong reasons for the sections that I just didn't clue into? Just a tip.
I section two, if you used the word "I" even like, one more time, it would've contrasted well with the usage of "I"s in section three. At my first read, I though that was the first time you used first person, and it'd just popped in randomly, because the other times didn't stand out strong enough.
Other then that... this was really well penned. The story you brought up is incredible, and one many can relate to, I am sure. Also, I have seen it written about many times before... but not like this. There was an extra power and strength to your phrasing and your confusion in this piece.
Very well done
Thanks for the entry
-
HOODWINKED
A very strong poem of deep rooted emotions, that show the dichotomy offeelings for this someone. Excellent use of language and images.
-
Love oh love, what a task, what a joy. Where would be if this emotion did not confound and confuse? This is a superb work on the theme. I love the metaphors. The line that leaped from the page;
"i longed to tear razored wings
from the butterflies in my gut."
I felt that line, to the core. Very skillfully written!
Much Love & Respect ♥
Renee
-
Hood Wink!
Wowzers ~
Again your vocabulary is stunning ... I think when I pop round to see you I need my dictionary
but this is a good thing, I love learning new words and I really like learning them from poetry
This is gripping, strong and intensely penned hun!
♥
Stay safe
~Manda
-
Hoodwink
Very emotional poetry - moves the spirit and claws the heart. I love your voice and look forward to reading more of your work. Be strong.
-
HOOD~WINKED!!!
well written. filled with imagery that touches the soul. i like these lines:
'so frail; he walked right into
my open chest without a ripple.' and
'i swallowed hard...'
seems like love is a lot like that~ sneaks in quiet like and yet at times is hard to swallow. thank you for sharing your amazing talent. keep writing! God bless you always
-
beautiful and stunning write
the images of pain and pleasure and love an hate are superb!
A+ Gold
Adding your comment:
1 - 20 of 20
