He measured the distance
between my fingers
to find perfection
in the empty spaces
between his world
and mine
where death couldn't match
the depth of a stare
that willed me
to self-destruct
and I agreed,
because lies can't fit
on my tongue
after truth is twisted
between your teeth -
spat out to form
symphonies
I could never hear.
Everyone has the answers
to a question I don't know
but I'm too busy
imagining walls fall apart
outside this trap
responses are never correct;
the angle of facts are awkward,
pointing to a sun
that does not
exist.
He hatches problems
I can't solve,
making me feel guilty
for not giving up
my dreams.
Author notes
Entry for: The Emotional Rounds: 2
Emotion: Confusion
--
The prompt fit me so much that I couldn't write. The topic itself is exhausting, especially when the result breaks so many dreams.
A contest entry
- the emotional rounds - 2 by Ryno.
600 points, ended January 10, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Now you tell me:
Comments
1 - 31 of 31
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I guess I am a bit speechless...Very powerful words that express such great passion and authority in ones mind.
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I don't even know what to say to this. Amazing.
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'Death couldn't match
the depth of a stare
that willed me
to self-destruct'
never fall in love. your undying mantra. never more clear than in this. that stanza (my favorite) is phenominal. As is the whole poem.
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people never call it a mantra
more like a mindless chant. lol
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My favorite stanzas were one, six, and seven. I love your imagery. Sorry I can't say more.
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excellent poem love this part.He measured the distance
between my fingers
to find perfection
in the empty spaces
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I'm sure you read my favorite quote before,
" there are no dreams for a broken soul that never sleeps " For some reason that came to mind when I read this piece. Anyway the line that I really loved was, " because lies can't fit on my tongue ".
Now... that was very different, I've never heard that before. Very good writing, as always Young Lady, very good indeed.
Love You Lots & Lots
Granny
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Okay okay. So I loved the ending. Who wouldn't? It was so powerful - and amazing. It really speaks so much about this scenario... brilliant. Along with all the phrasing and the concepts - they really helped tell the story and portray your emotions. Also... I really loved the slow tone at the start of the piece and how it really picked up afterward when the "confusing" emotion kicked it.
I couldn't help but feel like there was more to this piece, to be honest. Like we didn't get told all of it and there is a certain key part that was never added.
It seems like between this part:
"between his world
and mine."
and then the next part...
"Death couldn't match
the depth of a stare"...
There is something missing. Like, the reason for the switch in your tone and for the switch in the feeling of the piece.
Maybe that is part of the whole atmosphere? And then again, maybe you really are hiding something? It just bugs me like that because I am nosy.
Really though, I loved your overall situation told. And your play on the common "cliches", like what you did with the lies, truth, guilt, etc in this piece and how you portrayed them.
Oh - and I almost forgot - I loved the the idea behind the third stanza.
So well done. & thanks for the entry.
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"because lies can't fit
on my tongue
after truth is twisted
between your teeth -"
Wonderful alliteration and resonance! Splendid!
Oh My! The last line hit me in the gut. A very emotional writ, filled with the confusion that love often creates. Excellent work poet. I wish you well in this Round!
Much Love & Respect ♥
Renee
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i had minor issues with the third, but after looking it over and fomenting with it, yes, it's fine,
the lonesome 'between his world & mine' spoke novels.
your imagery was consistent and perfectly illustrated a moronic dying paradigm
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A very intense piece
Your words are so full of emotion that it's like they come to life.
You are an amazing poet and your talent is unbelievable. This is just another example of that. Best of luck in the contest
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flattery!
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just being honest
thanks for sharing it with us
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I'm always speechless when I read your poems, they are just that damn good. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you are brilliant. Best of luck in the contest.
Take care
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wow. there's a lot of feeling to it; it kind of ate away at my heart
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I don't really know how to comment on this kind of poem.
I know how to be honest wherever I am, so I will. I think this is absolutely amazing.
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Never feel sorry for your dreams
Your dreams are yours and if they don't want you to hold on to them...they don't want you! For true love wants their love to accomplish any dream they have had! I love your writing even if it is depressing at times. Your thought pattern is so strong. I love you, The Shaker
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thanks
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in the empty spaces
honestly I'd leave it at that line and now have "between his world and mine" - it's such a strong image, it's somewhat diluted by the words that follow
death/depth -uhmmmmnice
too many t's!
everyone has the answers
to a question I don't know - yess
outside this trap - ick
angle of facts - I read it as angles of fact, but it's tres cool either way
nicely put ending
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tttttttttttttttttttttttt <- it's eating you alive!
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hmmmm
1st stanza, always measure things yourself, never trust others.
2nd stanza, always let someone else press the button.
3rd stanza, a lie is more like an "umpah" than a symphony, even though phony is in the word.
4th stanza, that's two of us that don't have the answers, and over here Walls melt... if left out of the freezer.
5th stanza, angles are difficult to judge, you need the right tools.
6th stanza, did he sit on the problems for very long before they hatched? the temperature has to be just right.
Other than these issues the poem is outstanding...ian.
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lol!!
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Wow, this is absolutely gorgeous.
Losing your muse huh?
Pfft.
I can't write half as brilliantly when my muse is at it's highest point.
Gorgeous work. =]
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you should never feel guilty.
this is great.
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Some people have a way of making me feel it regardless.
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tell them to go play on the freeway.
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"He measured the distance
between my fingers
to find perfection"
That's so tangible to imagine; it's also very harsh. Murderous opener, really.
"the angle of facts are awkward,
pointing to a sun
that does not
exist."
Oh god, that's amazing. The way you used 'angle' is enviable and now I want to draw ninety-degree angles and lambast math.
Great shit.
;
Jessica
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lol, i love maths
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Couldn't write?! You insane woman. I can relate so much to this and it's just worded so perfectly. it scares me sometimes how much we have in common (or at least with the emotions through your writes
).
"and I agreed,
because lies can't fit
on my tongue
after truth is twisted
between your teeth -
spat out to form
symphonies
I could never hear."
My favorite part!
Amazing write lovely, and thanks for pooping on my stupid write D: XD Lub yooh
Jeanette*~
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ha! I have no poop left!
I'm really tired now, gonna hit bed
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