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the window

Looking out the frosted window
to a time which no longer exists
it might of happened yesterday,
or some era that you've missed.
It was filled with joy of laughter,
with friendships, and romances
all the good times with bad times,
long looks and some slow dances.

My breath melts the frost and fogs up the glass,
I see reminders of you that are still left untouched.
As your eyes melt to the pane, I'm going insane,
because I miss that time so much.
Your lips still lingered next to mine,
the perfume of you still in the air
I started to cry as I looked at you
and your frosty, melty stare.

Author notes

This is a collaboration of me and my friend steven brewer. Steve is an awesome at rhyming, something I fail terribly at. You see I'm more of a freeverse gal, unless I'm doing slam poetry. While I'm also pretty good at the one liners and phrases. Together they just make sense.

Any advice would be lovely?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • Haygood gold member
    January 3, 2009

    Edit | Reply

    Good stuff to work with.

    I like the scene. I can see it. Here is a suggestion on the first stanza. What do you think?


    Looking out the frosted window
    to a time which no longer exists
    it might of happened yesterday,
    or some era that you've missed.
    It was filled with joy of laughter,
    with friendships, and romances
    all the good times with bad times,
    long looks and some slow dances.


    • bloved
      January 3, 2009
      Edit | Reply
      I do like that suggestion for the first stanza. You see I wrote this with a very good friend...bouncing off ideas. I really just gave him lines while he structure the poem. Thanks for the suggestion.