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complex

.

you stand in the overly-
crowded gymnasium of
scientific rigour; pat down
a bedspread of embroidered
intellectualism, and invite
me to sit with you

for hours we are still,

silent

 

we read books about life
and the lack of meaning
it holds; our skin so
close it whispers the
answers we long to hear,
the secrets we so carefully
choose to ignore

eyeblink; and you
are replaced

by a sultry-voiced zānă
with raised eyebrows, she
tried to explain the similarity
between oedipus and electra

but my skin was stone
without the continued
approval of yours, and
I stared at the book
covering my legs until
the words became salt
.

Author notes

some things we should hide from ourselves, lest they become real by power of imagination.

If anyone, Diana will understand this, and maybe even see herself (especially because the word zānă meas "fairy" in Romanian, and the name Diana is derived from it).

In a list

A contest entry

This is a draft - be as harsh as you like.

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • Randomly Beautiful
    June 16

    Edit | Reply
    I've read a few of your poems now and I have to say I have been enjoying them. This is my favorite so far.

  • Pikapachirisu
    March 15
    Edit | Reply
    This poem is so descriptive! I love it!!!! (^_^)


  • notorious
    January 11
    Edit | Reply
    Are you going to get rid of the 'still'? I actually agreed with that one critique.


  • Miss Faerie Greeters member
    January 7

    Edit | Reply
    This whole piece made my heart stop and everything hard to concentrate on... the words told a tale that many long to hear and even learn about but never experience.

    The end was brilliant, lest they become salt. Amazing


  • parachute fog
    January 5

    Edit | Reply
    - it was the third stanza, which held the impact, it had a demystification, which may have been the source of the prompt.

    -"for hours we are still,
    silent" - i wanted to knife the "still".

    "pat down
    a bedspread of embroidered
    intellectualism" this was very good.

    your ending lines are good, although the double connotation feel to it, really made me uneasy

  • notorious
    January 3

    Edit | Reply
    I liked this a lot, and as a sideways note, I think your style is really distinctive.

    The 'you' is left kind of ambivalent...though, I see Diana in that stanza mentioned. LoL.

    "pat down
    a bedspread of embroidered
    intellectualism, and invite
    me to sit with you"
    Hot damn. I like "embroidered intellectualism"...embroidery is finely detailed, so...yeah, I liked that particular detail. "invite me to sit with you" This is probably and partially because I just finished listening to Pennyroyal Tea by Nirvana, but...I really loved 'invite' there.

    "we read books about life
    and the lack of meaning
    it holds;"
    Hot damn. "and the lack of meaning/it holds" LOVED.

    Is it spelled Electra?
    I always thought it was Elektra...(maybe because of the stupid movie).

    "and
    i stared at the book
    covering my legs until
    the words became wet"
    Pure poetry.

    ;
    Jessica


    • Polaja Greeters member
      January 3

      Edit | Reply
      I would hazard a guess at it being "the stupid movie" -


      • notorious
        January 3
        Edit | Reply
        I've never watched it, actually.
        But, my perception told me it was stupid.


  • forethought
    January 3

    Edit | Reply
    This is very sweet and sad, and very well-written. It was very refreshing to see a different font on this site! Best of luck in your contest with such a beautiful piece, full of such pure emotion.


  • Dienush
    January 3

    Edit | Reply
    I do love this!

    First thing I read the AN and I must say, I *know* what you mean there. I said the EXACT same thing, if in other words, three years ago. I don't believe that's a simple coincidence. Great minds and such

    Aww you mentioned "zână" again! I found that so sweet... someone should learn the meaning of that word from you. I might be very self-centered, but with you using that word and whatnot, I almost thought that stanza was about me (I believe we were discussing Oedipus and Electra one time).

    I love how you make metaphors about science and, in the first stanza of this, it's amazing how you made scientific rigour into a place. This made me think of someone you secretly like, whom you shouldn't... maybe a parent figure, judging by the Oedipus/Electra remark... or maybe you have other kinds of feelings you feel you shouldn't be having.

    I adore how you use both "still" and "silent" - plus "still" is a favorite pun of mine, with both its senses.

    "the book
    covering my legs until
    the words became wet" --that made me wonder about it not being in the adult category for a minute, hehe. Or maybe I'm a pervert. Actually I liked that bit the most; I like the layered meaning- the words get wet because you're unwillingly and helplessly excited, or because you bow your head in shame, guilt, or sadness and cry over the book?

    Another thing I really enjoyed here was the structure. The small couplets between the bigger stanzas seem to be much-needed connections. Almost like a rite of passage of your poem.

    I'd so like to know what's behind this.

    • Polaja Greeters member
      January 3
      Edit | Reply
      Aw, your comments make me happy! I'm glad that you liked this ... the stanza about you is ... well ... about you and the last stanza is meant to have that double-meaning, it just depends which way you want to read it. We have indeed had this conversation before (or a similar one) ... and the topic just keeps on popping up.



      P.S. Did you get the "eye blink" part?


      • Dienush
        January 3
        Edit | Reply
        the stanza about me is... about me

        hehe, YOUR comments make ME happy


  • redbird
    January 3
    Edit | Reply
    woo! let me know when its done

1 - 13 of 13