Morning came down heavy
low clouds-
summer breathing fast against the sky
my skin remembers loss,
the pads of my fingers
what they used to know-
my tongue is burning with a shade
and words that have nowhere to go
a heart so tiny it could fit inside my mouth-
a breath, shallow warm and soft
that used to brush across my cheek
is curled into the twisting earth
is lost
after open window foggy nights
and choking- hour after hour after hour
after surrender
after knowing
after death
this pain has been the best of me
the height and depth and measure of-
these gripped exhausted hands
have lost their hold and made me whole
we are all good, noble, epic- when we love
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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This is beautiful and sad, and I am so glad that you shared this with us. I liked the doomed if lacksadaisical meter you used, and the free-verse style was wonderfully used. Thank you for sharing.
. Rewarded 3
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I would have it read "the pads of my fingers recall".
I was suggesting you remove only the "the" and "ing".
I'm not sure any punctuation is needed at the end of the 2nd line, last stanza. I made the connection without it but a dash would be better than a period. Do you really want that hard a break there?
Again, good red! -
I will put most of my comments inline:Morning came down heavy
Low clouds
[and] summer breathing fast against the sky
my skin [is remembering a] loss
[the] pads of my fingers recall[ing]
what they used to know
my tongue [is burning] burns /with [a shade] (line break after burns)
words that have nowhere to go
a heart so tiny it could fit inside my mouth,
a breath, shallow warm and soft
that used to brush across my cheek
is curled into the twisting earth
is lost
after open window foggy nights
and choking- hour after hour after hour
after surrender
after knowing
after death
this pain has been the best of me
the height and depth and measure of[.]
these gripped exhausted hands
have lost their hold and made me whole
[we are all good, noble, epic when we love]The stuff in brackets I would cut. The second stanza in particular could benefit from fewer word - in my opinion. Also, dropping the "ing" words makes it stronger, vivid.Read it out loud and see if it makes a difference for you.I love the last stanza - very good images piled on each other.Good Luck
. Rewarded 6
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Thanks so much for the critique, really needed some imput on this. I'm a little confused about deleting the material in brackets and would like to clarify. Are you saying simply delete it or rephrase it? Because if you're saying delete that would make the second stanza read:
My skin loss
pads of my fingers recall
which not only doesn't make sense but actually sounds a little silly.
also, the period deletion, do you think a dash would be better? I need some form of punctuation to indicate that the line connects with the one before it rather than the one below it.
Thanks again!
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