I'm daydreaming again; thinking about him
and the six inches of snow in his "back yard",
tiny footprints' pretty patterns against the pure white.
The snow reminds me of his brilliance,
the sparkle of his teeth and the laughter in his eyes,
the dazzling beauty of his smile.
I'm daydreaming again; wondering about us.
Will we ever have a chance to be?
Such longing aches in my heart and my bones,
calling out to him.
I wonder that he does not hear.
Or perhaps he does, but he chooses not to answer.
I'm daydreaming again; sitting here in my chair,
thinking of things that just won't come to be.
My hand reaches out to rest on his leg,
and he turns and smiles with that snowy sparkle.
I know I'm daydreaming, but I don't care,
because as long as I have dreams, there is hope.
Author notes
I haven't written anything this personal or this 'loveydovey' for a while, so it was about time I got the pen out again!
A contest entry
- For my Teen Friends who really care about Poetry! by islekine.
730 points, ended January 24, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Sorry but this one bugs me too!
I wonder that he does not hear.
Or perhaps he does, but he chooses not to answer.
It should read: I wonder if he does not hear...
Then the next line
could be cut to Or perhaps he does, but chooses not to answer.
If is proper grammar in this instance... -
I love the imagery you have put into this...
However, it would have made more impact, had you used less "filler" words check out what I mean:
I'll re-write the first stanza...using your words,
minus a few...I think it lends a more poetic touch to a wonderful write!
I'm daydreaming again; thinking about him
and the six inches of snow in his "back yard",
tiny footprints' pretty patterns against the pure white.
The snow reminds me of his brilliance,
the sparkle of his teeth and the laughter in his eyes,
the dazzling beauty of his smile.
REWRITE:
I'm daydreaming again; thinking about him
the six inches of snow in his "back yard",
tiny footprints' pretty patterns, against pure white.
Snow reminds me of his brilliance,
the sparkle of his teeth, laughter in his eyes,
dazzling beauty of his smile.
Catch my drift?
all of the "the" and "and" s don't need to be there and sometimes chop the flow...I am only one judge...
and I really enjoyed the write...let me know if you are going to edit and I will be back to score!
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