Deep Run the Elvii by wbiro at All poetry

Resurrecting his revolution

in their own inimitable ways,

swooning and swaying definitive years

with the effervescent panache of the middle-aged

tucked beneath rhinestones

studded in white leather suede…

The more successful realize that, deep deep down

The King, as his Elvii, never really grow old-

not the gleam, nor the innocence,

nor the love his eyes stole;

that it was more than just leg shaking

that drove the girls wild-

something bwithin his soft soul

but it didn’t hurt none all the while

being a long-lashed beef-cake

with a big, cheesy smile…

So pass the Elvii

the Las Vegas Elvii

the small town Elvii with shades speaking 'cool';

Elvii in black, Elvii in white,

in Elvii jumpsuits of star-studded red, blue, silver...

and tight…

An army of Elvii spawned from a look

a demeanor, the way his hips gyrated and shook

but mostly from the essence of rock 'n roll fun

that runs deep through the Elvii

and the Elvii of One.

a response to Elvis Has A Birthday by Haygood by Haygood

Author notes

and happy birthday to the contest host...
thank yewuuuuu, thank yewu vurrry muuuuuuuch!

did a little revising- considered the critiques below, added some needed punctuation, for the punctuationless 'cute' did not quite work, and actually took something away from the meaning, imagery, and clarity of the piece... and I did wrestle with cool/white/tight and something that rhymes with cool... I think I have found a solution that will please both the guys and gals...

"The Elvii" (sometimes mis-informally-spelled as "Elvi") is an informal plural term given to the legions of Elvis impersonators out there... and who are now becoming a dying breed, I believe, as more and more people take their memories of Elvis to their graves with them, and he slowly fades into the dustbins of time...

The "Elvii of One" has a dual meaning, for I could not decide which to emphasize- it is the the King himself, but also refers to the individual nature of the act- he is for one person to capture and emulate...

the pic is from somewhere- I'll have to google "elvi on bikes" again lol but the pic got the poem going- for it captured the spirit of the Elvii, and through their spirit, the spirit of the long-lashed beefcake with the fine, cheesy smile himself... (an original and spontaneous definitive description, thank yewuuuu vurrrry muuuuch...)

In a list

* haygood • next in list

A contest entry

Elvis Has A Birthday by Haygood by Haygood. 1750 points, ended January 9, 5 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest

Please tell me what you think

Comments

1 - 16 of 16

By me, right now

Adding your comment:
Haygood
January 4

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A very nice revision...
and along with my new information I'd say it is a very nice piece. You have a very distinctive style as well as your tell tale signiture back ground. Forgive me fr the push. I was hoping you would push back, friend, wbiro.
- wbiro
  January 4
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  thanks- your contest was valuable, for it spawned this piece, which this author would have never have dreamed up without the challenge... and that is the value of unusual contests here, as few and far between as they are... so... I'll leave your contest something before you delete it...
Bruce
January 4

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A nice piece of work. Obviously, you've put a lot of thought into this, and it is a phenomenon that demands a poetic statement! :-) The pic is also great. I don't have any specific criticisms, but wonder if it would have even more impact if slightly shorter. Good job.
- wbiro
  January 4
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  thanks, and a good wonderment... then again, some fans would have wanted me to go on forever...
Antipodi
January 4
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Wow a very original thought and wonderfully written
- wbiro
  January 4
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  thanks much for comment- I feature for two reasons (three if you include the usual initial rush pride before it is torn apart lol)- when I think people will enjoy the piece, and when I really need feedback to go back and polish-up a rough-hewn piece... this was a mix of all three...
ScottishPrincess
January 4

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I am really happy I clicked on this,I really love this and as an Elvis fan this is a masterpiece indeed!
You have done a great tribute to The King,good luck in the contest,Regards,Hazel
- wbiro
  January 4
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  thanks much, never too late to bring out the special character in the King...
michaeline
January 4
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This is a great tribute to Elvis I think.Good luck to you in the conest I hoe that you win!
- wbiro
  January 4
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  thanks, hope it brought out the good side of Elvis...
Draig aine
January 4
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thumbs up
a very cool ride
- wbiro
  January 4
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  thank yeuuuuw vurrrry muuuuch! (though it is still a bit rough)...
gods-mishap-angel
January 4
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great
I really like this poem....
You really thought about every little detail
- wbiro
  January 4
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  thanks, details are nice, but inexplicable artfulness is better... (something I, in my logical, methodical way, will always strive for futily)...
Haygood
January 3
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This is way cool...
Thank you for the AN. It helped. I liked the over all read of it. You carried the theme throughout the poem. Now the technical part; The rhyme is forced (ways- aged- suede, old- stole, wild- while...smile works with while) I would rather you loose the rhyme than force it.
So pass the Elvii
the Las Vegas Elvii
the small town Elvii with shades beaming cool

This part sounds like a chorus. I can sing it.

Elvii in black, Elvii in white
in Elvii jumpsuits of star-studded red, blue, silver, and tight…
This doesn't fit the first half. Don't try to rhyme white and tight but rather with cool...

The Elvii in black,
The Elvii in white
The Elvii in jumpsuits. The Elvii will rule.

This fits with the fist half. A few minor changes and you could have a song on your hands. I told all that I judge tough. I know what I like. This is good. Are we here to learn to make it better? Oh ya, I love this background. If you did this then I need you to teach me. This is great and it set off the poem nicely. Well done.
- Naiads
  January 4
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  Now Mr. Haygood...!
  lol just want to straighten out your notions concerning the various types of rhyme-
  What you are calling "forced rhyme" in this author's piece is actually what is referred to as "near rhyme", which many poets prefer over "exact rhyme", for the reason that exact rhyme is the very rhyme that causes writers to force their rhymes, which brings us back to forced rhyme- which is where the syntax is unnatural, or the narrator's flow is awkward, or something is just not right with the presentation.
  
  In this author's piece, the near rhymes are not forced, for the narrator's voice flows most naturally, and the rhymes are spun off effortlessly; and further, and most importantly, the near rhymes stay quietly in the background while the message and images play out- the rhymes do not blare out their own presence like over-lunged trumpeters! (much like over-verbiaged words do, which is all okay, if there are no messages or images of note to convey...)
  
  So, to summarize this lesson-
  Near Rhyme- words with similar sounds, sharing an assonance, or even a consonance;
  Exact Rhyme- words that end in the same exact syllable(s).
  Force Rhyme- when the syntax or narration is unnaturally awkward or out of place in order to facilitate a rhyme.
  
  P.S. personally, I like the cool/white/tight, a refreshing break from abab! although.........
  the 'tight' might be better by itself on a following line, such as "and quite tight" (for that is how I would blurt it out if I saw it!)