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Hundred & eighteen

 

 

 

 

Your skull gives a shiver & drops into abyss
 Of failed attempts;
   drowning in your swirling
                                       thoughts.
Your crest is engrafted on my skin, pouring
 rain down from your sockets
                               into my stretching hat.
I dwell on the thick bracelets of hope you
 Made; spell-taping my hands around
 Your waist.
I am queued in the line of mermaids
 Waiting for a lost splash of water.

 

-------------------------------------------------- 


 Historical memories dripping from
                                          my chin

                                             into your plate;
 the one you refuse to din in.
You decline catching my pearls as they
                                               zigzag their way

                                            through
                                                   existence…
 Because they shame you with their
                         transparency.
But you shall encapsulate me no more
                                      In your butterfly poach
 I am diving into earth;

                              storing you as

                  a hundred & eighteen pills

 

In my pocket

          to swallow you in a lifetime. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(C) Noor 1/2/2009 

 

 

 

Author notes

Tried with my imagery to be impressive, not sure I succeeded but I tried with what I've learned so far of English.

Username: Hikari Lady

NOTE: This is not about pills addiction and neither is it personal.

Thanks for reading!

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 19 of 19

  • aanika
    January 28

    Edit | Reply
    But you shall encapsulate me no more
    In your butterfly poach
    I am diving into earth;
    storing you as
    a hundred & eighteen pills

    In my pocket
    to swallow you in a lifetime.

    that whole part was absolutely gorgeous, but I feel like the rest could have used work. some of your imagery was a little bit awkward, and I didn't care for the spacing or capitalization of some lines.

    most of your imagery is very effective, and I loved all of the emotion behind this.
    thanks so much for entering, love.


  • mcope8050
    January 24
    Edit | Reply
    so many emotions here,,, very good,,, your variety of styles is so impressive,,,


  • TabbyCat
    January 9

    Edit | Reply
    really Great...loved the last two lines....

    "I am diving into earth;

    storing you as

    a hundred & eighteen pills



    In my pocket

    to swallow you in a lifetime."

    left me feeling an aching desire for something undefined. Original in its metaphor, stunning in its imagery.


  • Rose Angel gold member
    January 6

    Edit | Reply
    Imagery abounds line by line..So creatively expressed about taking pills...Your angst in remembering them brings out the regret, yet your imagery enlivens the whole memory...We see it all from your clever view which is a creative wonder...


  • JohnnyD gold member
    January 3

    Edit | Reply
    Noor- your pearls would not be transparent- but rather Tahitian black


    Dad


  • petalblue2
    January 3

    Edit | Reply
    Wow! Impressive, amazing imagery, definitely succeeded there. I like the obscure thought of keeping someone as something you can consume over a lifetime. Hope each pill has a long half-life Wonderful write


  • Ken-Maverick
    January 3

    Edit | Reply
    Liking the imagery and metaphor you used here my friend, i think this will do really well in the contest.
    Well done indeed

    Ken


  • amaranthine lover gold member
    January 2
    Edit | Reply
    forgot these

  • amaranthine lover gold member
    January 2

    Edit | Reply
    A very beautiful piece. I don't think you need to say you try so hard with your imagery because you got the idea of it. But you're not giving yourself enough credit, it's wonderful how you went from not understanding to being better then a lot of fluent poets I come across daily. This is wonderful and hope you keep on writing, my poet friend!


  • Puppydog gold member
    January 2

    Edit | Reply

    BEAUTIFUL!!!!

    You did a real good job with this sis! I like it very much 's

  • michaeline
    January 2

    Edit | Reply
    You did indeed impress me with your impressive imagry here.Could picture everything that you wrote.I liked the way you wrote this.You have alot of talant at writing and it shows greatly in your words.Good luck in the contest.Hope that you win.


  • Back to Sophie
    January 2

    Edit | Reply
    Hundred and eighteen pills.
    The imagery in this is absolutely beautiful and unfortunately I have lived to see the desperation to take pills in attempt to die. Your words are beautiful and it is certainly a good look into a life of averageness. Depression is hidden behind every single word and I truly hope you didn't write this from experience.


  • Xx-Yolanda-xX
    January 2
    Edit | Reply
    a really good poem,
    you show really strong emotions.

    i think you have a mistake though.

    existences, don't you think it will sound a lot better if you just chance it to existence??

    zigzag their way
    through
    existence...

    not sure...just saying. i might be wrong.

    still, good luck in the contest.


  • lowercase prelude gold member
    January 2
    Edit | Reply
    wow
    such stunning imagery and strong emotions
    this was amazing
    very well penned


  • aanika
    January 2
    Edit | Reply
    screenname in AN please
    I'll comment for real later.

1 - 19 of 19