I creep by like a mouse near the cat,
the boys open one eye.
My eyes revolve around my skull
in every direction, watching, waiting
for the boys--
stalking like lions in the brush, right
before a gloomy dawn, before night and day
conceives morning dew; the moist air
fogging my view.
Sobriety awakens,
and the boys follow, stalking the mouse like
patient owls, crafty, making its move.
Just as my end neared,
a jack-rabbit runs within the red glow--
color on the dark, damp asphalt.
The boys now have a more
fulfilling meal.
A contest entry
- Driving (prewrites welcome) by Danna Hobart.
490 points, ended January 13, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
There is a lot of potential here, but the poem is all over the place. Maybe that is symbolic of a drunk driver, but it doesn't really work for me in this poem.
First "the boy" which I am taking to be highway patrol, are cats, and then they are lions. Quite a jump there, but at least they are in the same species, but then, they become owls? And yet, you remain a mouse throughout the piece. Sobriety awakens half way through the piece, and yet the mouse continues to hide from "the boys." I think it would work better if you pick your metaphor and carry it through the poem.
Thank you for entering.
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