i.
almost inanimate, we stood
face to face.
i wanted to feel
heat from your skin,
but a lead wall between us
guarded more than just
our hearts.
ii.
above the flying buttresses
we were gargoyles
on missions to ward off
demons, whose blood
oozed from pigment
poisoning their bones.
mutually diseased,
you callously coughed contradictions
as i sniffed evil spirits;
so when i spoke
you smelled satan's stench.
iii.
those gospels in pews
aren’t of satisfaction;
angels are mourning
for the tragic death
of us
& a measuring cup
for rationality,
lost in manifestations
of Hymn
& monotone melodies.
iv.
father preached you
words, written by men,
about a power you define
as real
& a love
you consistently deny.
there is no metric,
no standard, no measure
nor explanation
of how thin air controls your
building
that won’t remain upright
from foundations faltering
where friction only
softens
the unstable truth
toppling
between
her thighs.
Author notes
this is my heart.
prompt: obstacles to love
In a list
A contest entry
- UNPLANNED: Round 1 by Never Fall in Love.
700 points, ended January 18, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - favorites submit a PW by written-in-ink.
550 points, ended February 20, 22 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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this is amazing. i liked the 2nd part especially.
the ending is incredibly powerful. i'm gonna go read more of your stuff.
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Amazing
A friend of yours suggested I read your work -- and I'm glad she did. I've looked at several of your pieces and see different styles, different feelings, and one real solid constant -- quality.
This piece is really outstanding in form, flow, feeling and overall strength of writing. Your images work so well as to add accent to every line or stanza. Mixing religion with emotion is like war and lion taming -- they don't always mix so well -- but you made it work and you made it work well. I love the ending.
You write with a depth that is beyond your years. I look forward to reading more of your work.
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Wow, small world huh lol Thank you for the comment. After reading what you write, that means a lot to me.
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mutually diseased,
you callously coughed contradictions
wow
that was amazing
this flows so well and you know how to handle spacing
and use it to your advantage
i love this
man
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WWOOOWWW!
im rarely this impressed, but this took my breathe away....i would so makeout with your poem
haha. anyways, dont know hwo to comment this, cause it was ALL so good..
teach me how to write
Stephanie ♥
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"I would so makeout with your poem"
haha
that's BA.
Thanks
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hahaha, its so fun to say, though ive never said it before, except now, haha, it was pretty fun!
and welcies
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So this is your heart,
Well i really don't know how to read your heart.
Pretty sad, I must say.
Yet your poem was rather very good, I even read it twice, just to make sure I didn't miss anything. My favorite part.
" those gospels in pews
aren’t of satisfaction;
angels are mourning
for the tragic death
of us "
That part touched my heart the most.
Loveandblessings2u & yours always
Joyce
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Yup, this is my heart. And you did read it if you read the poem.
Thanks for the comment.
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Your third and fourth part come out the strongest and most palpable in this piece, but overall it is a solid piece. I really like the insight in the third part,"angels are mourning
for the tragic death
of us" -hits like a ton of bricks to the emotive quality, and tugs and tears at the heart. you open the fourth part very strongly, and show that no one can dictate the emotions, nor tell the heart who it is we should all love. There is courage and strength in this piece, and I admire the daring qualities contained in your words.
~Hettie
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8/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
8/10 - poetic devices/technique
9/10 - imagery
8/10 - emotion
total: 33/40
The became a treat to read. I do think though that your beginning was very weak - it started me with the feeling that i wasn't going to read something good.
Also, i felt that your second vignette felt excessive with the metaphor's jargon. That is not normally a problem, but it was in stark contrast with the first vignette - and that's why some points were chopped off.
Overall, though, you did well - especially in the last vignette. -
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Thank you.
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36/40
9/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
10/10 - poetic devices/technique
8/10 - imagery
9/10 - emotion
Poetic devices were spot on.
Very creative metaphor to introduce... and then the metaphors after that.
Really strong emotion, with a great take on the prompt.
My only thing was, I thought there were a few parts where there was a little more "telling" then "showing" in the piece - but it was only a few minor parts.
Great ending. Really well done. Thanks for the entry. -
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Thanks.
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I’d love to quote a favorite part, but I simply love everything.
I love the fact that this piece seems to handle the hot iron of religious contradictions. I don’t want to make assumptions about what meaning this could have for you, but after reading your authors page, I think I see what you could be scratching at. On such subjects, I could speak magnitudes. For now, I’ll say only that you have artfully displayed a very touchy subject for a large span of the human population.
This is a very human piece.
The tone seems almost bitter.
Mostly, it is just profound; like looking over events in life that have no clear cut answer or definition.
There is love. There is sadness. There is distance.
Very reflective piece of work.
I enjoyed you choice of words and your creative wording. You have extraordinary diction, which makes this piece interesting to read.
Amazing.
~Megan
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Talent much.
And weird that I'm listening to Heart-Shaped Box this very moment while reading...and rereading.
"almost inanimate"
I really like that 'almost'.
"mutually diseased"
Ohmygod. Maybe the best awesome phrase in relation to love I've encountered all week.
Satan!
Hell yeah.
Loved the reference.
"& a love
you consistently deny."
That was my favorite part, easily. 'consistently'...ahhhhh usually has positive connotations, but not here.
<3333
"unstable truth"
Dammit.
I'm going to stop pulling out phrases because a) I feel lazy and
it'll take too long.
;
Jessica
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Thanks Jessica, and sorry for the late response.
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this is good... you really did pour your heart into this one
the first section made me ponder a lot. i think it was my favorite, although i also liked ii.
i don't have any criticism, although i think this stanza is a little excessive:
"there is no metric,
no standard, no measure
nor explanation "
-cassidy
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Thanks
that's where i think my downfall is going to be, is with that "no, no, no" business -- but i think it adds a lot of personality and passion in the poem, so maybe and hopefully the judges will like it.
& at the same time, i felt it kind of tied together the parallelism between what religion was telling him & the reason why he was following it.
-shrug-
perhaps i could have phrased it in a various way, but i can understand why one would find it excessive. either way can be argued.
thanks for the opinion.
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fantastic. i wish i could criticize. i got nothing. this is solid.
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Man, I hope the judges feel the same. lol
Thanks.
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i felt this one. i love your heart.
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Thanks
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Interesting metaphor!
'you callously coughed contradictions' Great alliteration.
'lost in manifestations
of Hymn
& monotone melodies.' yay
'the unstable truth' another yay
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i love this, i've read it several times over.
excellent metaphor and imagery, this piece has such a beautiful innocence to it. Like all you can do is love but it's constantly questioned. I love the lines :
i wanted to feel
heat from your skin,
i awwed out loud when I read those. so cute. i can almost hear the hurt tone of voice as someone backs away.
a beautiful write,
best of luck in the contest!
i wish i could give you more applause! this is excellent.
ElectricBloom
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Thanks Lauren
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L13 - "poising their bones." I think "poisoning" fits better and am praying that it's a mere typo
I love the metaphor here...bro, this is fucking stellar and if you ever screw to me about your lack of muse again...I'm gonna feed Barbie's body to the dog!!! (I'm not threatening this time either 
'tis a promise 
)
Hmmm...writers' block's wicked huh?
Love ya sloppy-socks
Laura x
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haha, thanks
& the inspiration came when i started writing from my heart -- that's all i can really do. yeah, i am quite happy with damien but what can i say...the past still haunts me.
anyway, i'm happy you liked it - hopefully the judges feel the same.
& what did i tell you about messing with my fuckin dolls!?
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Win silvers to all my golds and I'll leave your fuckin dolls alone!!!
back atcha
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haha oh man
now i'm gonna follow you in every contest you enter. mwahaha
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hahaha...you fell right into that one
It's about time I felt challenged - interpet as you wish 
(& whooping your ass is better than getting to the cereals first in the morning)
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haha - you should always feel challenged.
you probably could whoop my ass, but at the same time i think i could beat you one on one.
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