Broken-hearted

I wake up and I feel numb.
I know what i'm doing but I don't know why?
Why the hell should I care anymore?
Why do I have to be here?

Everyday repeats itself.
I wake up alone. I go to bed alone. I eat alone.
Seven months on-

I still shed tears in the shower.
They flow down my face in a rush.
Angry tears.
With a closed fist I smack the tiles.
Frustration and anger. And the pain.
Gushing through me. My body aching.
Still the tears break through me like a busted dam.

I lean my head against the hard tiles.
Cold against my skin. I yell..
I yell above the noise of the water.
Above my own crying.
And I smack the tiles again.
why?...
Why me???

I clutch my pillow at night.
Silence apart from my light breathing
and the radio in the background.
It's meant to help me sleep.
It doesnt help like it should.
I lay awake for hours.
Sometimes I stay up just to avoid going to bed.
I know it will only bring pain.
The pain of silence, Pain of my own heart beating.
Irregular beats. A broken ryhthem.
A broken heart.

This isn't how my life should be like.
I thought I'd understand, pick myself up, move on.
Smile.
I havent laughed in a long time.
And I've got no reason to smile.

I still cry in a heap on my bedroom floor.
Leaning against my bed. Staring down into my hands.
How can I pick myself up with no hope?
How can I find a reason to survive this?
How can I love myself enough to want to live?