And the cars are zooming past in this darkly lit scene.
The traffic beams and skyscraper’s glow set the stars cowering behind a grey canvas.
Screams; schemes; and hopeful dreams melt into one another;
Blending to make a colour of soft monotony.
Abundances of noise make the moans drone away.
Expensive suits and expensive deals.
Cheap hearts and cheap love.
People only look selfless from the angle in which you are viewing.
There is always another side to the finely tailored stories.
And this is the city that boasts recognition.
Lost fantasies roam the bustling streets.
It’s 11.30pm, yet the motion never settles.
This really is the place which never sleeps.
And I’m bumping into people who glare at me with disgust.
My dishevelled gown is clearly obtrusive in the dry-cleaned seams of New York.
Mascara tears seeping down my cheek curse me with icy looks.
I am disorientated in this cruel, cruel location.
Blond straight hair, brunette curls bounce, lusciously tamed flicks.
Hostile creeping eyes, pearl blue glazed, observant judgemental vision.
Pretty pink dress, sepia skinny pants, Channel embroidered shirt.
Sky-high silver stilettos, peep toed JimmyChoos, ragged dirt-speckled trainers.
None of these descriptions depict you.
Where are you?
I’m frantically rushing round residue littered paths,
But you’re not there.
I can’t see your gorgeous washed jeans,
I can’t find your strikingly sharp cheekbones.
Everything I see; is not you.
Where are you.
I’m collapsing to the asphalt.
There are graze marks staining my knees.
My legs sting as gravel is lodged in the malleable flesh.
I don’t belong here.
You are not here and I don’t belong.
I am a ballerina pirouetting in a massacre.
I don’t belong here.
Author notes
well i took the prompts about a boy obviously. and the girl has search everywhere in this city but can't find him. sorry if you intended the prompt differently, but this was just my hopeless take on it.
Written by EmotionXxXoverload.
A contest entry
- And I still haven't found what I'm looking for... by chasing rainbows.
875 points, ended January 10, 12 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I MISS YOU!!! by Temptation..
700 points, ended February 28, 22 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
. . . There's not much left to say . . . Only impending critisim
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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wow. this is amazing! im speechless thank you so much for entering and good luck!!
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I do not like the way that this is formated but non the less it is a nice write thanks for sharing be well
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i really liked the whole idea of the poem. but the lines are all over the place and makes it hard to read. great creativiness with it. but its not really what I am looking for. and sadly it has no rhyme to it =[ i am going to have to remove it but if you would like to enter another piece into the contest please do so. thanks for your entry.
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Aloha!
Well...I have to agree with both you and Zack on the capping of each line...I don't like it...and I judge a lot of critical contests...he does too...it really distracts for me...the form is all over...and I honestly had a hard time finishing the read...BUT you do have great imagery...maybe think of it more as a song as you write it...
make it flow...
I will be back at end of contest...to re-read and score!
Thanks again for entering...and I hope you were ready for the criticism...(correct spelling here)...
take care!
Best wishes in the contest!! -
You have some stellar imagery, and great thought paterns in this poem, that really make it leap off the page at me.
Unfortunately, there are also some things, down to the bare-bones presentation, that make my eyes want to skip over the poem.
IMHO, your lines are very long -- I believe that if you have an "orphan" (a small phrase dangling onto the next line) you either need to cut from the line, or break it in to two lines.
Another thing that really detracts from the reading is the CAPS at the beginning of each line. In my mind, CAPS signify the beginning of a new thought, which isn't always the case in the first line of a poem.
Another thing, you can cut a lot of filler words. Your poem feels a lot like prose. Now, I don't mean you have to cut EVERY filler word, but you can, for example take your first line
"And the cars are zooming past in this darkly lit scene."
and make it
"Cars zoom past this dark scene"
and save a total of five words, while not losing any of your original idea. You apply this to your whole poem, and *WOWZA*!!
I look foward to seeing this poem after editing, if you choose to do so. What follows is my first rubric, which will be updated if/when you edit.
Total --- 72 / 100
Creativity --- 8/10 (Excellent prompt -- I definately got it)
Rhythm and Flow --- 12/20
Poetic Devices --- 9/10
Personal Appeal --- 7/10
Readability --- 7/10
Spelling / Grammar --- 14/20
Title --- 8/10
Impact --- 7/10
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wow this is definatly the longest and insightful responce i've ever gotten, and i really appreciate the honesty=]. okay well i cut lots of lines BUT i am going to keep the CAPS because i think it makes it a little cleaner looking, but of course thats my opinon. thanks again for your thought out comment=]]
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I thought of New York right away when I began reading this. This piece reminds me of how chaotic life can be. wonderfully done.
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amazing, seriously
-dh
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