Today will be the day
I push you far away
And out of my life for good
Ill slice you fucking throat
and punch you in the face
As I laugh and you bleed out
you thought you'd get me back
sorry, im not a toy
but you soon will be
as I let you think your safe
and im on you making out
Ill pull out my little friend
Ill make a short crimson line
underneath your adams apple
and listen to your gasps for air
I never did tell you how I cried at nite
Or how I long for your touch
but now Im showing you the effects of neglect
As you reach to grab my hand
I accept your admit to defeat
I stab the knife into your hand and slowly walk away
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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wow...
this is really good =D -
oh wow.
this is fierce, i like [:
it like keeps me in cause im just waiting to see what you would do next. really nice write
mind looking at some of mine?
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i really liked it.
There seems to be something missing though..
I'm not sure what.
Just...something.
I don't know,
re-read it yourself and see if you think anythings missing.
It may just be me, myself, and I...
you're a brilliant writer!
Keep writing(or typing XD)
Annie Shadows
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i hate any kind of critacisem so i will say this -sheds a tear- it was beautifull painfull bloody prefect i loved every work pulling me to the next line it reminds me of my good dreams that it dose this is so full of anger but as well regret you have such talent let me know wen you write next blood is something i long for it is my dream child i wont explane great work more than art
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Hi!
Okay...this is constructive criticism...your message is good...you need to fix grammar and spelling though...
if that's where you're at...I don't know some people don't care...but it's important for the read...
Today will be the day
I push you far away
And out of my life for good
Ill slice you fucking throat Should read: your
and punch you in the face
As I laugh and you bleed out (I'll laugh while you bleed out...)
you thought you'd get me back
sorry, im not a toy S/B I'm
but you soon will be .......comma after but
as I let you think your safe S/B you're
and im on you making out S/B I'm
Ill pull out my little friend S/B I'll
Ill make a short crimson line S/B I'll
underneath your adams apple S/B adam's
and listen to your gasps for air
I never did tell you how I cried at nite
Or how I long for your touch
but now Im showing you the effects of neglect
In the second line below...you have changed tenses
so keep it the same...I will or I'll....
As you reach to grab my hand
I accept your admit to defeat I'll
I stab the knife into your hand and slowly walk away
I'll stab the knife...
Now, depending on your style maybe you don't want to do the I'm ...but I like your work...you have a message....just needs a bit of editing!
Write on!
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