.
your lines were never straight;
curves fell sideways from
the corners of your face,
narrowly missing the perfectly
edged conformity below
where you failed at the game
picking-it-up-and-holding-it-steady
and i excelled; the crinkle of
evidence scratches twofold
it rings with lonely-tone,
and matches the sadness-pitch
of my voice; reverberates
around a room with virginal walls
and a sweat-rumpled bed
but never passes from your
thoughts to lines hiding in
the blindspot of your notepad
.
A contest entry
- a letter by Melissa Gayle.
600 points, ended January 3, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is a draft - be as harsh as you like.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Wow. Very effective.
It really gave me the feeling of a letter to a lover, who has hurt you deeply and you want to point out that they are flawed too..
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great title. great write.
i love gloomy saturday afternoons,
because i have the chance to catch
up on my reading, and you have made
it well worth it. i think jess pretty
much covers my thoughts about this
poem, so i will give you a
and
tell you to keep it up
Love, Lane
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This left me wondering whom it's to and the concrete details are somewhat missing, but I absolutely love how you have built the metaphor. For one thing, I love the description of calligraphy and how you humanize it, make it into emotion. The way writing skills slip off the notepad into the face into one's thoughts, then (eventually) having to make it back on the page, is genius. It adds a great structure to the poem and I like how this "you" breaks the circle, and that's what illiteracy seems to refer to... this person misses something... I know I'm rambling but I liked this
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and interesting letter really, i did expect it more in letter format but...i also said outside the box, so it works.
love that ending though, really strong -
I saw the title and was like, "You're anything but!"
You know...just the other day, my sister was saying to her boyfriend, "I'm straight like a line!" in reference to her not being gay and I said, "Lines aren't always straight".
"the corners of your face,
to narrowly miss the perfectly"
It could just be the way I'm reading it, but I think this would sound better as "the corners of your face narrowly missing the perfectly"...I actually think it's better as a gerund.
"perfectly
edged conformity below"
Ew. I think I know people like this. The word 'conformity' always makes me think of people I can't stand...LoL.
"the crinkle of
evidence scratches twofold"
Pure poetry much. It had so much sound in it...<3 it.
"lonely-tone"
Brilliant hyphenated phrase.
"sweat rumpled" <==hyphenated?
Those last 2 lines are perfect.
;
Jessica
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i like how you split the stanzas. they seem to end almost mid-sentence; it can or cannot depending on the way that it is read.
the first stanza is interesting. to me it sounds like the person is crying, but it never really seems to show to others and to reality itself.
i also like how in this poem and in some of your recent poems you have been combining senses, such as a physical thing such as evidence having a pitch. it is brilliant!
and "the blindspot of you notepad" is amazing! love love love the concept!
great write and good luck in the contest!
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