what to say when he asks

when your therapist with the thick accent asks about me,
tell him i've been used more times than my pens
and although i never run out of ink
i always find myself in the wastebasket
along with empty condom wrappers
and tickets to lame movies

tell him i don't see the glass as half empty,
nor as half full--
tell him the glasses measure my shame
and i prefer to drink straight from the bottle,
tipping it straight back until it's all gone,
every
last
drop
(along with my memories of the past year)

tell him i hear things late at night
my name and movements, mostly
and they're often accompanied with eyes and strange shadows

tell him when i'm not checking my reflection in the mirror
i'm checking my weight on the scale
and tell him i only feel pretty
when my bmi reads like a basketball score
or even a body count

tell him i can't masturbate
which used to be like a lullaby for my restless energy
and quick hands
so now i lay awake all night,
subject to the warped wanderings of my drug-addled mind
--be sure to mention that i can't cry, either
or even care, period

tell him they're going to put me on amphetamines
to reign in my wild attention span
confess i didn't mention my delusions
which, the label warned,
will only get worse with prolonged usage of this medication
but i'm a big girl now
and i want to make the dean's list to see pride in my mother's eyes
again

tell him i have strange aches and pains
mostly eminating from my liver
tell him about how i only get off when someone chokes me
tell him i can count on one hand the number of times i've had sex sober
which is overshadowed by the number of people i've had sex with
tell him i speed on country roads but don't wear a seatbelt, and chase shots with nyquil
tell him all about my morbid obession with stars who fell before their time
tell i'm i'm a middle child without a father but an extended history of mental disorders and addictions from him
tell him i'm a figment of my own imagination
and read him my poems,
highlighting the drug (a use, rape filters, and assorted metaphors

and tell him
just how many pills i took right before you found this