watching your skin turning pale
eyes rolling back
breathing slow
I have no choice
but to smile-
for death
looks good on you
jealousy-
sweeping through me
cutting down
all other feelings
I should help you
but I'm too far gone-
because I too
am dying
I just wish
it would come sooner-
the suspense alone
is killing me
***
Author notes
baconlicious112
'Color me Shutter-Tone Deaf'
Option 1
A contest entry
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Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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Originality: (9/10)
Emotion: (7/10)
Poetic devices: (14/20)
Structure/flow: (7/10)
Cohension: (7/10)
Title relating to poem: (10/10)
Personal opinion: (8/10)
Syntax: (8/10)
Diction: (8/10)
Total:78/100 -
Hmm... Even though it was short, but it is full of expressions, it's true that we come to lose our selves when someone we love dies.
Thanks for entering
Good luck
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Good flow, I didn't trip up anywhere. Theres no supurfluos words either, I like that
Rob.
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Thank you. :]
And yeah, I usually never use crazy words that no one understands. I like people to understand my poems the first time they read them.
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Im not usually the type for darker poetry but i like how all the feelings you felt as you penned this just come out from the start to the end
Nice Work
and Good luck
-Janette -
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Thank you. :]
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"for death
looks good on you"
this is good!
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Thank you!
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very nice - i like the opening image especially. it gave the poem a very nice lead.
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Thank you! :]
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i couldn't find anything wrong with this...nice job
thanks for entering
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Thank you. :]
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Perhaps you are dying of disillusionment with a life that can take away a loved one so brutally or maybe you are dying since most of us find it so tricky to see meaning in our repetitive, humdrum day-to-day lives that are more existence than living. Whatever your motives, I prefer the mystery of not knowing, the mystique of enigma to full-on statement. In that sense, I liked your poem of understatement.
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Thank you so much.
And you totally understood what I was saying in the poem.
Thank you for reading. :]
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I wonder if this poem would do well with background, like a reason they are dying together, are they drug addicts or is this like an allegory of something. I think you might do well to say who is the poet and who is the subject which one is male and female or maybe they're both female or one could be a child, each type of person would make a different emotion for the reader.
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Thank you for your suggestion. :] I really appreciate it.
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Good
I liked this. It is dark, sad in a way, but somehow honest.
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Thank you!
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loved it!!!!
"the suspsense is killing me" i loved that! -
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Thank you so much for your comment. :]
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