There was a hole in the bucket
and we all died of thirst.
Eyes like wolverines,
he told me that my blood was bitter,
as he sank his teeth
into the cold bone of my clavicle.
His fingers wound through my fingers
searching for answers from a god
he didn't even believe in,
while what he found
was more questions from a god
that he did.
The skies were violet,
and under their rabid glow we reflected
onto the sand like foreign plants.
Our long toes bit into the ground--
tendrils of heat, full of wonder.
I felt like a hypothesis,
and he was the phenomena
we could never explain.
We shot through each others fingers
like satellites.
He undressed me,
pulling skin from bone like rice paper,
and we waited for the moment
to latch on and swallow us whole.
Everything suddenly belonged to someone else:
There was a hole in the bucket
and we all died of thirst.
Author notes
This is about reincarnation. It's about the search for answers, it's about god, and death, about fear and longing, and so many many other things.
Tell me what it said to you. I'm sure I wrote in things I didn't even intend to.
The stanza I am most unhappy with is numero cuatro.
A contest entry
- rather be dead than cool by notorious.
912 points, ended January 16, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Is the repetition at the beginning and end effective?
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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[under the rabid glow
of violet skies, we reflected
on sand like foreign planets] -- a potential suggestion since you said you didnt like cuatro.
also maybe
[our long toes bit ground]
=]
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Oh "foreign planets". That's interesting, although not what I originally wrote. Thanks for the suggestions. Line breaks are my weakness, and stanza four still needs work. I'll let you know when it's complete. (Oh I won't lie... complete-ish. Nothing ever feels quite complete.)
And this is the second comment from one that I got no notification that you left. Sad.
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Thank you a helluva lot for entering the complete opposite of "tripe ass poetry" here.
I think the repetition does work; it made me scroll back up to see if it was identically-worded, which it is.
"Eyes like wolverines,
he told me that my blood was bitter"
That is strong imagery and it feels very...seductive, in a sickening way.
S3 = kind of echoes what you've written about in the past, the recurring themes about a questionable god...I like keeping note of repetition of certain things for really good poets.
"and he was the phenomena
"we could never [properly] explain"
I think it'd sound better like that...maybe.
Is that shit suggestion to you?
'like' was used a lot here...often in close vicinity. I don't have a real problem with it, though, since all your similes RAWK.
;
Jessica
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I was definitely in simile mode when I wrote this, I don't know why.
There were even more but I changed around the wording and cut them out. I think most of them work, but there are a couple I'd like to take a closer look at.
For reasons of rhythm, I think you're right in that there should be a word before "explain" ....I don't know if "properly" is the word I want to use. I don't know if it's one I would personally choose. But thank you for pointing that out.
You are fantastic. I'm going to be editing this some very soon.
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Lemme know when you're done
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Absolutely.
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Until then, unicorns reign.
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i think this is really cool
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You are a love. Thank you.
Do you the think the repetition works? I'm still torn on it. -
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to answer your question, yes the repetition works
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