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The Day You Brought The Gun Home.

The day you brought the gun home
The day the kids were scared
The day you flung your fists
And screamed that no one cared...

The day you came home drunk
The day you beat down the door
The day you fired a bullet
Straight through the wooden floor...

The day we all hid
To evade bottles being thrown
That day the kids all said,
"Leave mommy alone!"

That's the day
The gunshot took my head
That's the day
(Thanks to you)
Our whole family wound up dead.

-12/31/08




Author notes

Category #4
The Day You Brought The Gun Home.

A contest entry

*awaits the critics*

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • Symphony
    March 28

    Edit | Reply
    Hmm, I thought whilst reading through this that is began very powerful, vivid, scary, and true to life -

    THe way you wrote reminded me of a country-song style, veyr hard hitting, but the ending didn't work for me -

    I felt that the poem was leading up to a climax where someone would come out on top. Perhaps, yes, it would be the gun, but the last verse just seemed weak - reminding me more of a cliche 'emo' type poem about cutting.

    I hope I don't offend you by saying that - it just didn't ... work for me, I don't know how to suggest you make it stronger, but the section,

    @That's the day
    The gunshot took my head"

    took my head - reads unusually, and not quite correctly... as though you just wanted it to end in head to make it rhyme.

    However, on the whole, very well written, thanks for enteirng!


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    February 28

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, that is a very very powerful poem. I wasn't exspecting that ending, that much power. I have no critique, sorry. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.


  • star girl
    January 10

    Edit | Reply

    Woah..

    Very good! For just putting this imense sadness into this poem..It's incredible that you wrote that..so scary...
    I liked it. nice!


  • Daisy Ballerina
    January 6
    Edit | Reply
    Very good!!!
    I love the sadness of this poem...
    How i wish it wasn't true...


  • Catie Sheeran gold member
    January 6

    Edit | Reply
    woah, this is powerful...very scarey. Well thought out and delivered


  • Sheli silver member
    January 6

    Edit | Reply

    WOW!

    You said it all in a extremely powerful, straight forward way! If this doesn't wake someone up, I don't thinl anything would!


  • Kathraina silver member
    January 3

    Edit | Reply
    powerful piece. flows really well, and the imagery is good. Great job and good luck in the contest

    ♥ Kathraina


  • XorangejuiceX
    December 31, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    omfg i love this!
    your poems are awesome!


  • BadazzGangsta
    December 31, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    damnnnnnnnnnnn desha...this is sad...but hella good...

  • Do I look good
    December 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You a great writer. Im serious. you did exactly what i wanted. I love the rythm you put in in some areas. Also how it ended was sad I love you work alot. You have some talent her. Youll do great in this contest. Well done you dont need any changes.

    Please no changing your poem when I have just commeted.
    Thank you!!

1 - 10 of 10