Mental Shorts I [prose]

1.Give me life, liberty, and the pursuit of Wily E. Coyote.
2.Those who don't watch Tom & Jerry are doomed to repeat it.
3.War is necessary, otherwise the whole planet would explode with happiness.
4.Give me your young, your weak, your impoverished, and I'll hand them a broom.
5.I would demand an arbitrator, but I can't find anyone smarter than I am.
6.When you wake up in the morning, sing, and really annoy your neighbor.
7.Freedom is the right to be wrong.
8.We were born free, what happened?
9.Pitch your tent with the truthful ones, if you can find any of them.
10.My bailout plan: burn all the money.
11.I guess the only way to get rid of the CEO's is to give them enough money to retire in the islands.
12.Professional and college football is a child's game gone awry.
13.You think alcohol is a problem? Wait 'til they start selling sex in a bottle.
14.When powerful men take themselves too seriously, weird things happen.
15.George Bush had a right to fail, but he had no right to excuses.
16.Learn to play the boola-bong. It sounds terrible, but so does that guitar you are trying to play now.
17.People used to call me a harmonikat. It was because when I was playing, the sound was akin to a thousand cats screeching.
18.People say I am weird. I am not. Lots of people fly kites out the bus window.
19.People try to think of different ways to express their love for someone. Won't  just saying “I love you” suffice?
20.Tell everyone you see that you love them. The next day, you'll have a lot more room on the sidewalk.
21.Luck is a duplicitous lady. She never lets you know in advance whether you're going to be right or wrong.
22.Show me a man who's never been wrong, and I'll show you a liar.
23.War is hell, and so is my next door neighbor.
24.He who laughs last, just woke up.
25.I hate it when my granddaughter understands the punch line to a joke, and I don't.
26.Whatever happened to phone booths? Where does Superman change clothes?
27.I was born brain-damaged, so whatever I do is not my fault.
28.I think I'll sneak into the ladies dressing room. It's not my fault, remember?
29.People like to work their mouthes constantly, so their brain always stays rested [not that they ever intend to use it].
30.You cannot achieve greatness without learning to hula-hoop.
31.The hula-hoop was truly American. Dirt cheap to make, expensive to advertise, a real hoot to use, and it always broke quickly. Warranty, what warranty?
32.A doctor gave me my new diet the other day, it was written on a postage stamp.
33.I used to believe what my doctor told me about eating, until I found out he lunched at the same Steak and Ale everyday.
34.A doctor injects poison in your arm and then tells you not to worry, it was only a “little”. This is akin to a snake biting you “just a little bit”, does that ever happen?
35.I'm not saying I don't like doctors, but my lawyer never gives me impossible diets.
36.The difference between doctors and lawyers: the doctor waits for the ambulance to bring their money to them, the lawyer just follows it in.
37.The worst fight I ever saw was a “me first” argument between a doctor and a lawyer.
38.There is nothing so wrong with medical care in this country that can't be fixed by moving to Canada.
39.I used to walk down the street whistling “Mr. Wonderful”, now I whistle “Born to Lose”.
40.I have achieved prefection.
41.It's hell to be perfect; look at me, I'm living proof.
42.A lady once told me I looked like John Wayne. I told her there was no way I was that ugly.
43.At parties no one wants to talk to me. I guess I'm just too “stunning” to approach.
44.Life goes on, and so do rent and taxes.
45.What part of “I don't have any more money” does the IRS not understand?
46.Actually, I wouldn't mind paying taxes, if the money paid for something besides war and bureaucracy.
47.Elimination of the so-called “war on drugs” through legalization makes so much sense it will never happen.
48.Besides, some of the drug lords might actually have to get jobs then, what would we do with them?
49.We can afford to chase drug lords around, but we can't afford health care for everyone. There is something wrong with this equation, you think?
50.Ok, I know you don't think, all that is left up to me. Good luck, people.