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Carnival Ride

Chaos rules in carnival town
where I now find myself
awake in a nightmare.

Like a carousel
dizzy with confusion
my head is spinning .

Electrical wires scattered
sinking into my skin
overloading my main circuit.

Sickly sweet
cotton candy words
poison my spirit.

Heated up to sizzle
just like popcorn
is my heart ready to burst.

Echoing laughter
rings clearly
in my numb ears.

Eyes shut tight
fists clenched
in attempted control.

-Silence-

Alone, I now find
myself standing
in an empty field.

Old and torn posters
from a carnival long ago
linger on the dying grass.

How did I get off that carnival ride?

Author notes

coolio I finished it!!!

nakatrea has muse yet! so exciting.


I like the metaphor of being possessed by a "mutant carnival of terror"

The music
the dizziness
the insanity.

That is what I hoped to capture here.

Not my most polished work - but I like it.

It seems half decent!

Thanks guys I appreciate the feedback.

A contest entry

Please judge as critically as you want

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 17 of 17

  • capricornpoet
    June 25

    Edit | Reply

    batman movie

    the joker figured in my mind here in your live dream
    poem / great fiction thriller on the rise //loved the
    imagination here


    • Nakatrea
      June 25
      Edit | Reply
      Once again thank you so much!
      The Joker? hmmm that would be interesting


  • MallyJ
    May 10
    Edit | Reply
    applaudissement!
    i like it,
    it makes me think of this nostalgic, really fast whirling of freaky carnival lights, flashing and pulsing,
    and then a girl, all alone in a really gray field, all alone, with those torn fragments of posters.

    its so good!

    the oooonlyyyy thing i would have any sort of criticism about is the line about popcorn; for me, it seems to not click with the mood of the rest of the poem, if i'm making any sense


    oh, and sorry for leaving such long comments on like all your poems

  • brokenknuckles
    May 3

    Edit | Reply
    That was awsome...
    Im speechless.
    That was really amazing.
    your definatly going on my favorites.

    Love Bryce

    • Nakatrea
      May 3
      Edit | Reply
      Oh wow... thanks for such positive feedback. I appreciate your opinion very much. But of course I do not consider this my best work. If you read more of course I will return the favour.


  • Valley Girl silver member
    January 12

    Edit | Reply
    Awesome stuff hun! It's good to read your work again. Your imgery is awesome in this piece. I like how you have connected the feelings of a relationship/breakup to a carnival. very clever. Thanks for sharing this with us. ♥


  • Flare the Arcphoenix
    January 8

    Edit | Reply
    That was excellent...

    Your muse certainly has done you well with this. Your words cut a clean message, and a powerful one at that. But that's just it...
    If you're still letting this carnival eat away at you...the wind tearing at your hair and the friction of the once-was ride threatening your very stability still, as it were....if you ever need an ear to pour ranting rage into, mine are doorways to a concerned mind. You don't have to knock, so just come to me with it if you need to.

    Though, just so you know, it produced an awesome poem. ^.^

    ---Flare
    o}--{=======>

    • Nakatrea
      January 8
      Edit | Reply
      Naw- the carnival has left town for the most part. The poem isn't really personal . It's more of an metaphorical experiment. This week has just been stressful so i did a 5 minute yoga thing before starting my english homework which i am avoiding. But you're worth it, since you are the only one who bothers to comment on my work. Sadly thats true. I don't get it.. I post stuff but no one reads it D':

      Thanks Flare

      ♥ Kat

      • Flare the Arcphoenix
        January 8
        Edit | Reply
        Well, I just happen to comment every now and then. ^_^ Starlight Owl would probably comment, but I'm sure she's been rather busy lately; you could ask her to read it as well. ^_^


  • Flare the Arcphoenix
    December 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Hmm...should be interesting. ^_^

1 - 17 of 17