i.
you
fall apart at every possible opportunity
and unzip all the possible finales
from their seams creating
a world of chaos where
I remain unnecessary,
unwanted and shaded
in charcoal-gray.
ii.
did you know I miss you?
I haven’t lied in over three weeks
but the sparks still haven’t reached firework status
and sparklers are easily lit by lighters
and just as easily drowned in the rain.
iii.
you told me you’d rather be the rain,
all-powerful and sometimes
acidic enough to burn holes
through my skin into my lung cavity
that’s been running on empty
for much longer than you’ve known me.
you told me to be the sparkler and I agreed.
the first time I held a sparkler in my hand
was on my twelfth birthday.
it was absolutely beautiful
in the way it shot sparks
in every direction but didn’t burn my fingertips.
I shivered, it seemed so magical and perfect.
I thought you would have the same opinion.
iv.
but I learned that nothing lasts
and everyone has different point of views,
even on simple thing like sparklers.
time stood still and we sizzled to a stop.
I still woke up to your alarm the next morning
because I couldn’t breathe without you by my side.
v.
five weeks later I learned that even you can’t live forever
I began to breathe on my own,
but I still catch the raindrops on my tongue
just to feel you near me.
-I haven’t perfectly fallen out of love yet.
In a list
A contest entry
- the catharsis rounds; auditions. by aanika.
1800 points, ended February 10, 43 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
-
yes.
thanks for entering. -
yes.
Please wait for the other judges comment. -
I personally loved your phrasing. I didn't find it to be awkward at all. It's a broken style, which is very effective if one knows how to use it. It's a very specific preferance that many people don't like if they find it difficult to understand because they can not widen their perspective to listen.
It challenges people to read past the more cliche or predicted speech patterns one may or may not choose to utilize. I think you do it wonderfully, and I loved this piece. Please continue writing.
-
-
thanks for the comment and the fav add
and i'll do my best to continue aha..
♥Emma
-
-
I didn't like the line breaks much, I feel like they were a little bit awkwardly placed.
and unzip all the possible finales
from their seams creating
a world of chaos where
I remain unnecessary,
that just didn't flow right, in my opinion.
you told me you’d rather be the rain,
all-powerful and sometimes
acidic enough to burn holes
through my skin into my lung cavity
that’s been running on empty
for much longer than you’ve known me.
that was my favourite stanza.
I think some of this could be reworded/strengthened in order to flow better, but other than that, it was good. thanks for entering!
-
-
uhm
next time you comment on any of my poems
wanna comment critically like you did here..
cause now i feel like you just say you like it just too make me happy or something.
so pretend i entered one of your contests and do something nice and critical for it
thankssssss <3ily.
-
-
This is my personal comment for the catharsis rounds.
Upon the closing of the contest, I will comment back with a 'yes' or 'no.'
Now that that's said, this is brilliant.
ii, iv, and v are my favorites, though they are all gorgeous.
Your ending is perfect, as well.
And the title wraps it all together.
Awesome work!
-
"I haven't perfectly fallen out of love yet."
You have captivated me with this entry. The ending line just gave me a shiver. I know how this is...
Love, lane
-
"I haven’t lied in over three weeks
but the sparks still haven’t reached firework status
and sparklers are easily lit by lighters
and just as easily drowned in the rain."
I honestly don't know what to say, I love the imagery, maybe?
Is that enough? Either way it's true, but words evade me whenever I try to praise you, my words just don't seem good enough in comparison to yours.
"it shot sparks
in every direction but didn’t burn my fingertips.
I shivered, it seemed so magical and perfect. "
I think this too ^.^ I'm such a child really.
"I began to breathe on my own,
but I still catch the raindrops on my tongue
just to feel you near me.
-I haven’t perfectly fallen out of love yet."
=[
4 months on and I haven't yet either, but I'm almost there, I don't think about him every waking day anymore.
It's bittersweet actually; happy I'm not wishing I was back with him, but sad that I've realised how badly he did treat me.
I so <3 you and your talent.
I wish I could write like this, even just the once, but I'm so glad you can write so well; it gives me something quality to read =D
Shelly
xxx
-
Lots of potential here. I like the linking from you in first leading to the second and rain in second leading to first, and so on. I would suggest finding some synonyms or creative descriptors for "sparklers" however, as it is a bit over-used for my taste. Example:
"you told me to be the sparkler and I agreed.
the first time I held a sparkler in my hand"
drop the second use and change it to "one" or something else. Even this minor change eases the repeat feel.
Good write. Thank you for entering the contest. -
i.
you
fall apart at every possible opportunity
and unzip all the possible finale’s
from their seams creating
a world of chaos where
I remain unnecessary,
unwanted and shaded
in charcoal-gray.
that's so beautiful.
i almost wish I'd written it.
finale's shouldn't have an apostrophe though.
ii.
did you know I miss you?
I haven’t lied in over three weeks
but the sparks still haven’t reached firework status
and sparkler’s are easily lit by lighters
and just as easily drowned in the rain.
ohhh, the first line is from konstantine.
it's so powerful.
in the second last line, sparkler's shouldn't have that apostrophe.
haha twelfth is an awkward word :S
five weeks later and I learned that even you can’t life forever
um this sounds awkward
did you mean live?
might be better as
'five weeks later I learned that even you can't live forever.'
lovelovelove the last line and the whole sparkler in the rain thingggg.<3
-
-
not my fault i was awkward even at 12 lol
and i meant live.. i just can't type
-
-
Oh this is such a poignant story, with the great picture of sparklers in the rain! Well-crafted, lovely flow from line to line. I really enjoyed reading this.
Adding your comment:
1 - 13 of 13
