Anti depressants,drugs,morphine,
none will take away the pain I'm feeling,
Daggers slash through my bloody heart,
as I remember the day that you and I part
Your screams and cries haunt my memory,
but I couldnt help as you yelled for me..
entrapped in this loony bin,
your precious face is all I'm seeing
"50 mg of Wellbitrin,
administer to patient 218"
Their efforts to glue my shattered soul,
Are futile,I'll never be whole..
No white clad Lad will ever see
me become the woman I used to be,
Thunderous tears flood my being,
there's no hope,I cant stop drowning
Within my mind they try to burrow,
with no avail, they'll try tomorrow
No therapy can set me free,
I'm bound in hell for eternity
I no longer blend in with this world,
now that I've lost my baby girl....
A contest entry
- Bright White Jackets by AutumnsFlame.
2667 points, ended January 20, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please give your honest opinion
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Well i thought it describes the feeling of someone that has lost all hope. Good show..
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I don't know what people have against proper rhyme, old fashioned decent rhyme! I loved this and felt every part of this...is this true?? If not you have put yourself into the shoes of somebody so well and I am very impressed
This is how people write when they are grieveing...
this is how people write when the have lost all hope and go through a breakdown
this is lovely, keep up the good work xx
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fortunately this was purely creative...putting myself in someone else's shoes!
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eh.... Sorry to say this, but this poem really didn't do it for me. It didn't flow. At all. Your rhyme was very forced, your spelling and grammar are far from perfect ("i" should ALWAYS be capitalized unless there is a good reason for it not to be.) and you droped many CLICHE bombs in this poem. Try comming up with some better images and don't try to rhyme if you can't pull it off. Get CREATIVE! Thank you for entering my contest.
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thansk for the correction on the I's (slipped me ) can you point out one CLICHE bomb in the piece? an i dotn thicnk my rhyme was forced AT all....BUT any way thanks for your input
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CLICHE BOMB #1: The title. A lot of angsty teens have this title in mind... It seems to lack creativity..
CLICHE BOMB #2: "Daggers slash through my bloody heart,
as I remember the day that you and I part"
Bloody hearts are, once again, in a LOT of teen-angsty poems and are used much too frequently.
CLICHE BOMB #3: "Your screams and cries haunt my memory,
but I couldnt help as you yelled for me.."
Screams and cries haunting the memory... unorigional.
CLICHE BOMB #4: "Thunderous tears flood my being,
there's no hope,I cant stop drowning"
Tears flooding, no hope, drowning... heard it ALL before.
Hope that helps.
=)
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Wow...
Is this true???
The poem is awesome...I enjoyed the flow from top to bottom...beginning to end...
...but then ending leaves me speechless....I could not imagine not having my daughter in my life...but I will say that you have an awesome testimony...which will helps others get through this type of pain...
...write on....
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many thanks for your kind comments....glad you enjoyed it
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Ahhhhhhhh, that is such a hard thing to deal with and it is one that needs grieving.
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thank you so much for reading
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Wow... umm... not usually one to enjoy rhyme scheme, but the very bare nature of this piece made me glad that i continued to read it.
you do a great job of describing someone who has become completely lost after a loss, and if this is personal and not mere creativity, my condolences.
I'll definitely be adding you to my faves list so I can check some of your other stuff out when I have more time.
BTW.... in the last stanza, 1st line... KNOW should be no...
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