He never was a trailbreaker -
snowdrifts unrelenting;
words shrill upon wind
memories,
frost-needy.
an ice cold stab
into the dark -
let winter
tame his heart,
not I
I never was a trailbreaker.
Author notes
Prompt: 23, The Necessesity of sacrificing loved ones.
still in progress. the ending is under consideration, and probably more to the middle. But in case i disappear off the face of the earth for again, you may judge this as my final entry should it come to this.
A contest entry
- UNPLANNED: Round 1 by Never Fall in Love.
700 points, ended January 18, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical Review Desired
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Do to the high difficulty level of your prompt, Chandni and myself have given your score TWO (2) bonus points out of a possible two.
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9/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
7/10 - poetic devices/technique
8/10 - imagery
8/10 - emotion
Total: 32/40
You started out frozen which set a delicious tone for the poem. I think you did well, the prompt was used creatively.
The only reason any points were lost were due to the fact that it needed some more meat .. it didn't feel complete at just that.
Great job -
31/40
8/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
7/10 - poetic devices/technique
8/10 - imagery
8/10 - emotion
You have some really strong ideas in here. I loved "let winter tame his heart" and the idea of trailbreaking...
...it had good brevity, but I couldn't help but feel like there was more to it? Even with short pieces, I feel like I should be fulfilled when reading it.
I loved the idea behind it, however. To me, it felt like you took the "sacrificing" not quite to the extreme
but more on a modern-day level... where a family member kind of staggers away and separates himself from his family.
Well penned. -
Great piece!
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zx.
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This was a nice one to read for me today.We haven't had snow where I am for a few days, which is odd, for the area at this time of year, but today it has been practically a blizzard! So that put me in a cool mind set to begin with.
"words shrill upon wind" Shrill was a really nice word to use here. I don't know exactly why, but I really love it. It is like perfect, a good word to incorporate with a winter wind.
"an ice cold stab" A little predictable. I mean, it works, but I think that you could think of something more creative that still fits the whole winter scene.
"not I" Haunting! I loved this!
Really good work, as always.
Love Always,
Caroline
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Ouch, nice line, me like it 'not I' it's brilliant and the whole poem is an example of your talent in eloquence. Much though is always imbeded in your work. A sort of walt disney magic, I guess. Bravo.
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Strong words, emotional and heartfelt to me. A wonderful write, best of luck in the contest hun!
Angel
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Your words pen such a message
its cold its frosty and its raw
Best wishes in the contest hun
love Auntie Julie x
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