flat broke at 15, no job, nowhere to go;
only a pair of battered Converse, half-formed fantasies and dreams; and you....
take my hand - your fingers tangled in mine, we'll beat a tattoo with our footsteps on streets we've never seen before
eating french fries in diners every night cause that's all we can afford;
washing dishes in Chinese restaurants in Brooklyn
to pay rent on an apartment that doesn't feel like home
(yet, anyway)
sleeping on the hardwood floor between piles of cardboard boxes
and blankets that smell of perfume and cigarette smoke,
listening to our own infected and dyslexic heartbeats
baby, let's get out of here
Author notes
"let's dance with our dreams & forget our fears"
title cred - Motley Crue
partially inspired by "Vegas" by Sara Bareilles
for Kassie
♥
A contest entry
- Lots of Options! by Abnormal.
550 points, ended January 17, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Random Options by Simply Simple.
1200 points, ended March 27, 50 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Higher Than A Hippie by ourgirlFriday.
625 points, ended January 1, 9 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Anything (PW Allowed) by swimmeroks.
900 points, ended January 6, 108 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options Options Options! Come on in!! by Princess Cuddle Bug.
550 points, ended January 23, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Sunday Morning by new born.
700 points, ended January 16, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prompts, prompts, and more prompts!!!! :] by jayyniecakes..
800 points, ended February 3, 9 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A Contest to cheer up Zannah, my AP Daughter. She feels so sad. by echo-ink.
900 points, ended February 8, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Paint Me A Picture;; Sing Me A Song (( Imagery, Metaphores, Simlies && all that jazz )) by HereComesTheSun.
700 points, ended February 10, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Remember me in my opaqueness. by whiterabbit..
525 points, ended March 29, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - True Emotion by Night Terrors.
400 points, ended November 15, 53 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options. ♥Lots and lots of options♥ by Antebellum.
960 points, ended May 11, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites :) Yes, as many as you like, but hell this wont be simple. by xxRainbowDawnxx.
700 points, ended November 3, 1093 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
I hope criticism (that good old "constructive" kind) is forthcoming
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
-
I really like the form of this, and how you took the prompt.
good luck
thanks for entering. -
Sorry for the late comment. Anyway, this was defintely different. I felt like I was reading more of poetic sentences, which isn't a bad thing.
Thanks for sharing.
-
I really like this [&& Motley Crue is amazing, so that's a plus
). I adore the style of your writing & the images & feelings this has in it.
-
ummm at fifteen money should be the last thing on your mind besides were would you go anyways you can even drive yet..... on another note and this is a small one some capitalization might be in order.
On a more positive note. I like the flow... very nice.
My favorite part:
eating french fries in diners every night cause that's all we can afford;
washing dishes in Chinese restaurants in Brooklyn
to pay rent on an apartment that doesn't feel like home
(yet, anyway)
Thanks for entering. -
-
um, thanks? I think you missed the point.
-
-
I am in awe of what I have seen of your poetry. It is a wonderful mix between conversation and poetry and the mix works! I love this!
-
Positive: great idea and well shown great word choice and the end fit extremely well
Negative: to me at times was dull but you picked it up at the end and gave an outstanding write -
Thank you for entering this for Zannah,
The gold was well deserved,
-
thats so nice.......... aww good luck in the contest
-
This is amazing.
Option 5? Great job, I absolutely love this. No guarantees, but good luck! -
-
option 4, actually, but thanks for the kind words (;
-
-
It's wonderful, but that option is supposed to be about or from the perspective of a child 6-10 years old.
-
-
oops, I read it wrong (:
you're right, my bad
-
-
-
-
awesome write! I really like the simplicity and honesty in this piece
thanx for reading my work btw...very much appreciated
-
this is really good very descriptive... i had no trouble at all creating a picture in my head
thanks for entering and good luck,
~*Princess Cuddl Bug*~ -
Knowing where you are going and where you need to be, I like that, keep penning.
-
strong
i enjoy the whole of this struggle. "beating tattos", hell i wish i wrote that. the uninformed directions we take when lust becomes romance and romance becomes the picture of great hardship and nickels, is a beautiful topic and you tell it well.
you are a strong writer. many golds to you.
kevin o'connor/ui'connabhair -
good write
A very good write in my opinion. I can't think of any criticism to give to you. I can relate to this even though I haven't lived in Brooklyn. I have lived in "Small Town America" my whole life, but I can still relate very well to what you are saying. Thanks for sharing and Congrats! -
Double wow!
Boy, you've got talent! This is great! Fantastic! Real and surreal simultaneously....incredible!
-
-
thanks (:
-
-
Your poem was really good , the first lines were good because they catch your attention and you use great imagery. gives a sense of where your going and coming from, i would say a job very well done
-
'take my hand - your fingers tangled in mine, we'll beat a tattoo with our footsteps on streets we've never seen before'
i love those lines, they're so vivid.
i think this is fine, at least i can't think of anything that you should change, it seems to perfectly create the idea of love being enough to survive, and your imagery is brilliant.
♥
-
This is a beautifully vivid poem. I have a precise sense of place and time, yet I was completely surprised at every word, and enjoyed each sentence like a fresh-picked piece of rainbow-flavored candy. (It's 4 AM and I can't sleep. I'm allowed to be strange!)
-
That was a really sad, touching poem. You've weaved a good poetic story here, which almost made me cry! Well done, thank you and good luck!
-
I seriously just cried.
you're amazing.
I love you (: -
-
love you too baby, sorry I made you cry (:
-
-
The only constructive suggestion I can make is one that a workshop teacher gave to a class I was in years ago: try to avoid the use of "ing" words -- make everything present tense (i.e., "wash dishes" instead of "washing dishes") because this can give a poem a stronger sense of presence... I don't always follow that advice -- but once in a while I go back and change my "ings" and get a different feel from a poem... so, that said,... this is exceptionally vivid and conveys quite clearly that feeling that "we are all we need!" Good images, and great flow. Well done.
-
I like the style, the way it is broken up in images. Wonderful poetic story of that grand illusion "you can live on love". Your words capture the feel so perfectly tho' , especially, "we'll beat a tattoo with our footsteps on streets we've never seen before". Don't know how constructive this was, can't think of anything I'd change.
Adding your comment:
1 - 28 of 28
