Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

The Voices on the Shoulders (V. 1)

Frozen in my tracks, I hear two whispers

One in my left ear, one in my right

"Take it, you know you want to"                     "Don't take it, its not rightfully yours"

"You see no one is around"                            "Watched or not, its still not right"

"No one would know and you'd be free"              "You would know and feel guilty"

Stopped. Shaking my head to clear my thoughts.

I know it is so wrong, I know what every good person would do.

"Its free"                   "Its stealing"

"Finders keepers"                   "Losers prosecute"

"Chicken"                     "Moral"

The thoughts do presist

Finally with a deep breath I make my choice

..........

"You won't regret it"             "Not till your in jail"

Author notes

The Little angels and devils that sit on our shoulders and provide us with thoughts... who will YOU listen to?

-written in my personal style, Symmetrical Antonyms. Though I slightly modified it so instead of reading it as two poems like the style originally is meant as, it is read as a normal, single poem.

~Darc Raven, the Bard of Old

(Fan of my work? http://allpoetry.com/column/show/2348008 )

In a list

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 14 of 14

  • DinkyDiver gold member
    April 5
    Edit | Reply

    Awesome!

    I must try this 1 day haha
    I enjoyed this x

  • sleepinglion
    January 6

    Edit | Reply

    this hits the spot

    This perfectly describes the dialoge going on in our minds most of the time, proving we are all to some degree, the same. We always (or most of us anyway), identify with the good guy, the just cause in any story or film. For there to be two identifiable voices speaking, there must be another presence listening, in order to make the final judgment. So I make that (at least) 3 types of awarness in our minds. all apparently separate, or are they? Seems like a good theme for a poem, what?


  • Draig aine gold member
    January 3
    Edit | Reply

    well done

    though your words would shine even brighter with a less busy background


  • Riftkin gold member
    January 3

    Edit | Reply
    Sounds like a true struggle between good and bad.
    You are a bard and can paint the picture of an angel and devil on our shoulders. Best of luck with this in the contest, my friend.

    Riftkin


  • Dakkarious Rayne
    December 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    long time no see man, good poem, I like it man. I came across this poem on the AP featured poem list. congrats on the site notice.


  • Angelflower
    December 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    now what to say to something that is brilliant.. this was a really powerful write. bravo! best of luck in the contest, though with a write like this I doubt that you would need it.

    Angel


  • LaylaLace
    December 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is a good example of the polarities of the internal struggle.

    I wrote a poem in a similar style. It didn't come out as evenly as yours, though. I'll give you a link if you want.

    Good luck in the contest.


  • insideinsanity
    December 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I actually find myself liking this piece...a LOT. The two-toned nature seen in the blunt back and forth paints quite the image of the little shoulder companions. (It was my initial thought.)

    It's interesting, how the segments seem to get shorter, but more dramatically dynamic. I that, a lot. The colours do nothing to detract, and certainly make the format a bit more readable (I might get lost in the back-and-forth otherwise) so that was certainly good.

    Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. It's message is clear, and it answered the prompt nicely. Very well done. I think, the most interesting part, is the decision actually made. Does that say something about you, in particular?

    Thank you, very much, for entering!


    • Darc Raven
      December 29, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Well I am glad you enjoyed this piece.
      As for the Decision i had chosen to have the character make... I figured good can't win all the time. and also, I was kind of making light of the serious matter with the choice written as it was. ^^

      Thanks for being an inspiration

      ~Darc Raven, the Bard of Old


  • Darcs Dove
    December 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Just..um...wow?


  • Pure Thought silver member
    December 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    NIcely done.
    Good luck.

    • Darc Raven
      December 29, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      thanks.
      i was trying to be serious and make light of it at the same time. lol.


  • ChimericAntithesis
    December 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Nicely written.

    Interesting form.


  • Maili Knephthan gold member
    December 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Darc this was interesting to say the least I don't think I have ever seen you write like this before. Well written good flow, good use of breaks. The content was interesting as for the little angels and devil upon your shoulders. I like this.

1 - 14 of 14