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dancer interrupted

Missing image

Rumbled my time and all my senses
Almost a dream, a sweet trance
Dancer interrupted you i knew
Danced along step one step two
Yet your steps to a maze were mart

Which made it easier to break my heart
My heart then screamed for you to hear
You are safe with me do feel no fear
But you prefered to choose another road
Which made you feel free again and bold..

If this is freedom then walk the door

I will say no longer, yet save your sore.


9:10AM
29-12-2008

how precious...

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Comments

1 - 14 of 14
  • liveddog gold member
    April 16

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    Hi Godless but divine,
    This is the third poem of yours I have read and again I am aware of unsettling feelings arise in me following my read. The most unsettling line for me is: "You are safe with me do feel no fear." It troubles me when any of us men need to say to woman 'there is no need to be afraid of me.' I wonder why men need to say it in the first place. Your poem, however, does highlight the reality of some men no matter how uncomfortable it is to read it. A very challenging piece of work,
    Liveddog.


  • flowingwords
    March 5

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    Rumbled my time and all my senses

    Something about that first line, great opening!
    Truly metaphoric and pretty much perfect! Enjoyed reading this and hope to read more from you!
    ~Kimberly~


  • new light
    February 4
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    the rhythm is just perfect.
    i really like this write.


  • chilali
    January 4

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    A stunning write. I love the rhymes and the flow. Well done. Thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading more by you.

    Love
    Ylova

  • bloomingchipper
    January 3
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    Beautiful!

    You always know how to express the unexpressable!


  • Clovis...Curious silver member
    December 30, 2008

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    Superb

    A most intriguing photo. I liked the way in which you expressed yourself. Thanks for sharing this one with us.


  • insideinsanity
    December 30, 2008

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    Wow.

    Beautiful piece, but it seems like it's a dark, twisted appreciation for the dancer - very much that something persuaded her away from the passion of movement.


  • Nakatrea
    December 30, 2008

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    Wow... The title caught my eye in the featured thing. I really enjoy dancing and I really enjoyed your poem. Each line flows nicely to the next - the rhyme guides it nicely.

    dancer interrupted you i knew
    danced along step one step two

    these are my favourite lines.. I don't really know why.. they just made me think.

    great work really -jealous-

    ♥Kat


  • star sparks
    December 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    OMG! I LOVE THIS! <3 and i teach dance... and it's just speechless


  • forethought
    December 29, 2008

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    This is very pretty, if not very sad, and the picture is absolutely stunning. The format was uniform but free, and was interesting to read the different emotions that the subject (you, I would assume) felt as they swung between anger and sadness. I would, however, go back and capitolize the alone-standin I's, as proper grammer and such is quite important - at least in my eyes.

    All in all, this was very lovely, and I thank you for sharing this with us.


  • April Somerston
    December 29, 2008

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    I agree with ennovy that you did a good job of saying a lot in just 12 lines. However, I would either lose the rhyme scheme, or fix it up so that the rhythm flows perfectly. Some of the phrases seem forced, especially the last two lines ("walk the door?" Like, put it on a leash and take it around the block? Sorry, it's just what I pictured...) Also, when you say "steps to a maze," do you mean "amaze," or that they were like a maze or puzzle?

    Please let me know if you revise this...I'd like to see where it goes.


  • ennovy silver member
    December 29, 2008

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    This poem is just wonderful, with beautiful metaphoric lines that give the readers a picture of a man in love but he finds out she is sort of dancing in and out of his life. He fines she is hiding her fears...He wants to stay but will make a choice according to her love for him....I love how you told a romantic tale in just 12 dynamic lines......excellent writing.....Novy


    Happy New Year

1 - 14 of 14