there is a lemon poppyseed muffin on the windowsill. next to the cat
they euthanized a month ago.
he says he's the silver lining
of your leaf
of your love; lemony hands
and tiny poppyseed eyes.
he says that there are real people
where he comes from,
not quite so fermented
or lovely
or lovelessly sad.
but you were scared shitless,
weren't you?
the entire time you writhed
in the jaws of your own
cannibalism,
and right when you realize he's
as monstrous
as you've made him
you wake up and smell
the silent corpses.
speak softly,
ghost-of-a-girl,
and if only the rain
had smaller hands --
Author notes
gratitude to TR and cummings
yeah,
i'm still scared shitless.
edit: sorry. i guess i really like cannibals.
A contest entry
- superficial onions by notorious.
912 points, ended January 11, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
rip it, damn it.
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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thanks i will give you credit for those words
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Quite different fromwhat I have ever read. Reads a little like what the poets of the Beat Generation would pen. I read it several times and still do not know why I like it. I like the first two lines and "ghost-of-a-girl" May i borrow that for a poem?
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of course, i'd be honored!
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damn this is good shit
i don't have a chance.
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your edit works much better.
yes.
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upon reading once again
the way, you use repetition as a base in this, works extremely well, your images stem from, "or"
"of" "as"
meaning your poem actually has flow, which many of the entrants here seem to have neglected.
the repeition of poppyseed & lemon has a lax feel,
and i understand your author's notes.
the only issue i have, is agreeing with Matt on the cannibal bloodstream image.
it almost reads like Ginsberg's "cannibal dynamo" from the Moloch portion of howl
which i can't really get past
the ending portion remains good, the hands of a raindrop, yes.
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haha, i've never heard of "cannibal dynamo"
but i've been meaning to edit that for a while. thanks :]
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fucking love this
[[ excuse the lan.]]
amazing
seriously
prefect sense.
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You've given me a gift - good poetry in a contest I was scared would get none.
I think the repetition of 'poppyseed' in S1 and S2 caught me offguard slightly, but I don't mind it.
Lemon poppyseed muffins are the shit.
Anyways.
"he says that there are real people
where he comes from,
not quite so fermented
or lovely
or lovelessly sad."
AHHHHHHHH
This is my turn to tell you why I liked this portion, but fuck...okay, I'll try to articulate myself.
Loved "he says" (the ambivalence of whether it's true slays me, infinitely). And, "real people". Hot damn. What a phrase..."or lovely/or lovelessly sad." !!! Yes.
I had no problem with "cannibal bloodstream"; actually, I liked it quite a lot.
"as monstrous
as you've made him"
If I was in a band,
I'd plagiarize those lyrics (except, I'd credit you).
Seriously...those lines are monstrous perfection.
"and if only the rain
had smaller hands --"
!!!
god...love your personification and this as an end, just wow.
I think it makes sense to you
and like Lane said,
we
"can take what you have given us and make it our own".
Yeah...
This is brilliant, unquestionably.
;
Jessica
Postscript: My comments...never ever sound professional.
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p.s. i think a professional-sounding jessica would scare me right out of my undies
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Me, too. god you're funny
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it's brilliantttt.
i'm so glad you're back.
notice your comments are always so amazing.
and you have this weird lack of ego that makes you think you aren't as good.
i'll beat it into you, i will.
*is jealous*
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you're good.
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i think this poem means something to YOU and we, as readers, can take what you have given us and make it our own - the beauty and art of poetry
You are a talented writer. I will be back to read more. Love, Lane
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I love the way your ideas progress in a somewhat disconnected way that makes complete sense. I love this poem, it's perfect.
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when I was a dead cat
I could hear two dogs outside
barking, growling, howling
feel them sniffing on some bitch
chocking on the leach
one bit the pulp of a tire
but got smashed by the rest of the truck
the other confused a peaceful pedestrian leg
with a tree or a hydrant
and got to know his belligerent side
now there’s only silence
six paws underground
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I had this up early and was ready to comment and got totally sidetracked by life (that sucked!) -
but this is fantastic!! I am so glad to see you writing again.
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Terrific ending!
I personally didn't find any problem with the phrase: cannibal bloodstream. Most of poetry is an exaggeration anyway ... kind of like an indepth look at emotions and so they expand. Either way, it's your poem and so 50% of the votes of change are yours
The only thing I didn't like was the repetition of poppyseed. It mae me want to skip the whole stanza where the second one is mentioned.
All in all, I'm gladyu're back [now I want you to judge your contest before a mod does it
]
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YESSSSS you're back! that's cause for dancing
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yea, i agree with matt, 'cannibal bloodstream' is a little too dramatic of a phrase i think.
otherwise, it's a great way to come back with a bang.
me gusta lo mucho.
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You're back!!! And your poetry is just as terrifying and brilliant as ever.
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this is phenomenal. and to answer the question posed: it does make sense strangely enough. i went back up to try to find something worth quoting, but ummm... id just be reposting your poem in the comments. its all so well-connected.
i might do something with cannibal bloodstream though. it was a little off. thats, unfortunately, all the ripping i can do. be well
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that opening stanzas is what i have been trying to do this whole time but failing.
the ending lines too.
your really brilliant.
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