Before I knew myself, before my hair was grey
I did not understand that life was underway.
The choices offered me were easy to ignore;
I thought that I would be as young for evermore.
The years have passed me by and now I come to see
The chances that I missed may well have set me free
It seems I was a fool to always be so sure
I thought that I would be as young for evermore.
But now I've found my feet, to offer life a chance.
Perhaps it's not too late to try to join the dance
Although I missed these years, I've others left in store
I thought that I would be as young for evermore.
So now I say to you, I offer you my hand.
I'll be a happy man if you will understand
That I have chosen you to worship and adore -
I wish that I could be this young for evermore.
Author notes
In Alexandrines as a mirror of a poem by Elizabeth the First.
I have slightly modified the title because I don't see how you can mark the contest easily otherwise!
In a list
A contest entry
- When I was Young and Fair (or Handsome) #152 Winklings by Lyndon.
1750 points, ended January 23, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me honestly what you think, good or bad.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Strict alexandrines ~ good!
An "argument" was pursued successfully and a change effected. The middle lines of stanza two really need end punctuation. The same applies in the following stanza. All references to staying young or being young, I assume, are prior to the greying of your hair.
You say early that "the years have passed (you) by" and at the end you claim: " I wish that I could be this young for evermore". I know you are aiming for an incremental refrain-like quality but there is an ambivalence built into the sense or meaning that confuses a little.
Thank you for a technically sound rendition of the original in rhyme and metre.
Best wishes.
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I suspect your confusion derives from believing years and age are the same, some people can get old in no time, others see many years pass without getting older ...
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Not really. Yourpoint is correct but my reasons are
cogent, I feel. One may ascertain what you are driving at and at the same time judge how clearly the poem does the job for you. Also, young suggest youth. "Years have passed me by" tends not to suggest youth.
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This is really a pleasure to read. One of the smoothest I've read. So I'll take your old and wrinkeled hand and follow you.
Love,
Amera♥
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I too am going to suggest that you revisit the last two lines, maybe something like:
"that I have chosen you to worship and adore
although I shall not be as young for ever more"
Something like that gives a bit of flow from enjambment, and restores the refrain, with a slight alteration to flavour it.
Good stuff, nonetheless.
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Well I liked it with the refrain shifted up a line but it appears I was alone in that!
I have now changed it. -
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It was always worth a try, bro. The edit is not bad.
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It went very well till the last refrain. From there something gave way...
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Excellent write and take on the prompt
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