she & her
share one brain
cohesively
they switch gears
fast jerk notions
with braking motion
and often feel
opposite one another
at once
unaware
this duo does not
duplicate decision
back & forth
unsteady pace
heart racing
thumbing their nose
at stability
she rocks
her inner-child
riddled with insomnia
and wide-eyed grins
sitting in gulleys of grief
arms wrapped round
to blanket from cheer
her thoughts persuade
until
she remembers
snapshot occurrences
no ownership does she claim
postulating in limbo, thinking
on the edge of rationale
and on odd numbered days
changing places
severs mono-existence
binding by flow of blood
in their warm, yet chilled veins of denial
carnality & flesh
constantly at war
life & death
lives & dies
whenever gemini separates
they have cold & fever
in the night & day of recall
forgetting where she hid
her keys in their home
Author notes
PROMPT: Confusion
FORM: Progresssive Poetry
A contest entry
- the emotional rounds - 2 by Ryno.
600 points, ended January 10, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critical comments please. THANKS!
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
-
Congratulations on the HM. Aint the duality of life wonderful? Recently I've found that more thinking and less drinking has solved most of that problem but not all...lol.
Sincerely,
Leo Long
-
I loved the way you went about capturing this. I have seen things like it before, where they describe confusion, or even love, or something like that, as one person being two people... but the way you did it really had a strength behind it that really captured me from the start, and about midway through brought me down to the depth of your piece and your emotion.
Your imagery was also well done. Through describing this person and what she was doing with visuals, you somehow captured the emotion - which is beyond my understand how you did that. Also, great characterization of the girl in this piece too. You really gave her some strength and put meaning behind her.
My only suggestion would be the ending... it was creative, and witty... but, for me, it kind of disappointed me. It felt like the piece was leading me up to a really strong ending which kind of pulls the whole story together and really adds power behind the character and summarizes the emotion well, but I was left with kind of a let down, I think. That is just my personal opinion of course
Very well penned. I like where you took this idea - to a whole different level!
Thanks for the entry.! -
so well , so well
-
wow this is truly very very well written sis!!! I love it you did a very very fantastic job with this piece!!!!! This is absolutely incredible!!!!! Your words are so perfect!!!!! You have a great flow in this piece!!!! I love it!!!!!!!!
-
Evcellent form of write thought
You would have to know gemini you would have to know conflict separation she and her sharing the same brain first impression for me the two twins in gemini all of us. Me myself and I sharing the same brain even implodes the dire emergency for wholeness and wellness. The opposite is alright too when you know what the problem is the solution is not far. Powerful reaching units of thought permeate this write. I humbly submit that this write is complete yet there is more because it is not over.
-
Hi Renee
I'm afraid this was a bit over my head.
But as long as I'm here......Happy New Year!!
-
A new form for me, but not a new experience of duality. I thought at first of the dissociation that occurs when a child suffers abuse, splitting into parts, sometimes full personalities, with one part growing up, and the other staying the hidden, hurt child... then I realized that this is even more general and pervasive, that inner child that hurt or not, can take over and run our lives, sometimes well (creativity) and sometimes poorly (self-doubt, or self-destructiveness)... you have captured this cohesive separateness very well. Lovely lines, and lovely flow. I enjoyed this very much.
-
This was BEAUTIFUL.
I loved loved loved it.
At first I thought it was about some sort of Goddess, and then a mother pregnant with child, and then... obviously the constellation, but I think it's more than just a star alignment =]
What a perfect ending also!
I loved it! (once more)
"whenever gemini separates
they have cold & fever
in the night & day of recall"
---Beautiful
Thanks for sharing
-Alysha
-
goodness..
how in the world do i begin? wow, this my friend
exhustinly good!! wow..you have hit with a visual, powerful, flowing piece of 'artistry' takes makes one lightheaded..
-
There is a way around this dilema.... put on the earphones to your cell. This way you can have that debate with yourself and not a soul will know...except you that is. LOL.
Wonderfully written! When reading at first I thought ah..its our shadow, then it was, hmm...me, myself and I..you really had me wondering. About our inner child, well, they may be thoughtless at times but they are forever thoughtful.For it is just that part of us that reminds us...once in a while we need to go outside and play.
I really enjoy this form, it pushes the mind to think, not only for the reader, but I can see how this can be an enjoyable challenge (at least for me)for an author attempting this for a first time.
Oh and my keys are in a safe place. I just can't remember where that safe place is LOL
I hope your New Year is filled with much joy and happiness.
Michelle
-
As always, you take my breath away with your talent. Pure artist of words you are. This reads perfectly and casts a spell on the reader. One can not stop until each word is digested. Awesome !!~
-
Brilliant
Another beautifully expressed, creative, truthful write, Renee. You and Erato must be good friends.
-
What Yvette said!
-
Oh I liked this one a lot. Kinda a clash of opposite minds in constant battle... seems we all have that within ourselves great write!
-
Wonderfully written dearest poetess, you succintly , poetically, capabably impress the duress and yet equally ably voice a lullabye, these two are not at odds though the days are numbered so, those days when the inner child is emotionally attuned she is not ignored but understood and comforted. Yes, sometimes it's harder to imbue a hush now, hush honey, the traumatic feeling of not being able to find the keys was felt, a house is a house but the body is a home that moves with us from age to age and address to addressing.
A happy, healthy, creative and harmonic new year to you Sister of mine!
Love and Light
Yvette
-
I myself am conflicted, doing things I swore I'd never do again. While walking from the store with a box of Special K and 'not from concentrate pineapple juice', I talked to myself asking: 'I thought you'd never do this again?' before deciding it isn't so much that I'm changing as much as I want her to feel at home in my abode. Jeez...! Seriously... What am I doing? LOL Write on sis. Lubs ya!
Dez
-
Wow, this is a new form for me, and I loved it!
All the best hun!
Love, Michael.
Adding your comment:
1 - 17 of 17
