When spring comes blowingly to wash the mud with soap, we grow
our heads again from winter's scraps.
First the rain makes little tails for foals, then we own
scant straw to cover our ringing thoughts.
Our noses are glued back on by salt frozen to the hulls of boats.
And more cursed is this ruinous salt than anything
else hung from bark and poor fools' frostbit heads. By such
I smell the sickly whine of lather that drips all through my
knuckles, and as they stiffen, my head fails to creak.
My love's hiding me, a scrape
on his blinding wrist, and soon shall I come to perch,
singing, on my own lap til my dress waist is soaked through.
I dissolve; the frostbite leaves me first and last and
never, and my sore lumpy tooth
of a head is in a gauze of poetry -
and the dogs of Lazarus stay to their own wounds.
My master forced my head from broken glass, splitting hairs
on the barber's floor and I can piece together their lines.
He says I'm
one pirate out of luck,
out of gold. My lover said to twist my hair tight
in the back, then i won't look so much like a whore.
Once when we were storming, my Darling climbed away -
I spliced his mind for a time - from the inside.
His face suffocated me, and breathing little I laid it, one shoe,
by a shoe, by shirt,
on the ground and the boars gathered. I walked tall and straight
home, all bones and breasts.
My love roused
his nakedness from bed and agingly smiled a tryst.
But in that helpless chord he applauded
all pity for the frostbite into which I made my descent.
And I was done at stitching those sails, for splinters
were the woof and warp
and remedy.
Then did I beat him, and how he used to be
my young bull - so was he then, but not long glad as his hands
gasped to the floor with palms stretched. Then out I went,
naked again, my hair smelling to me of salt
and crying 'Tinker!' to the
tinkermen.
Funeral dirges play for me but I spit on the ground
and taste medicinal leaves asplash;
the frost blows through a brine and
covers my face. Oh
more cursed
is this ruinous salt than anything.
Three hundred
autumn stains ago the flax was woven again to clothe
men and women the same,
with shirts and boots and little crowns upon their dirt.
And a tree spoke to me and shifted in its roots. I held my arm far away,
but I listened, and grew into spiralling
strips and wove around cherubs, slipping the dust from the
ground and failing to make for me
Spring revelries.
Two pennies fell to the ground beside my skirt;
the space from where my nose faded was a third.
The twirling thin flutes all pricked my hair with grey freezing needles,
and my stiff mouth
curled like a carpet or a string
hanging from the moon's broken tooth.
Then my mind darkened
and brought forth a vine of grapes.
Author notes
prompt: madness, as the sane call it.
In a list
A contest entry
- UNPLANNED: Round 1 by Never Fall in Love.
700 points, ended January 18, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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My master forced my head from broken glass, splitting hairs
on the barber's floor and I can piece together their lines.
He says I'm
one pirate out of luck,
out of gold. My lover said to twist my hair tight
in the back, then i won't look so much like a whore.
Once when we were storming, my Darling climbed away -
I spliced his mind for a time - from the inside.
His face suffocated me, and breathing little I laid it, one shoe,
by a shoe, by shirt,
on the ground and the boars gathered. I walked tall and straight
home, all bones and breasts.
Awesome part. Damn, this is great! -
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thank you!
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32/40
9/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
8/10 - poetic devices/technique
8/10 - imagery
7/10 - emotion
While your poetic device was well thought-out and your imagery was astonishing in places, I had to dock points because I don't feel it was used as affectively as it could've been.
You have such a talent for drawing out pure emotion and raw imagery, while still providing so much depth and device... I think we lost that from you a little here. The piece became too complex too quickly - I have read the piece quite a few times and each time I understand a little more ... but upon the second read or so, I feel the majority of the theme, concept and emotion behind a piece could be understood.
What I did get however - was really well done, and I think you on the verge of something - especially with that imagery... I just think it needs to be toned down to be affective.
Don't take this by me saying don't go this indepth, I just feel the theme and story should be easier to find.
Still, you did a fantastic job with the prompt in mind, and what you were thinking was really great - that parts that really got me, got me. Well done. -
10/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
7/10 - poetic devices/technique
7/10 - imagery
8/10 - emotion
Total: 32/40
I don't know what to say here, to be honest. I've looked and read through this so many times that the only reason I'm finally commenting is that the contest needs to move one.
Generally, what I can say is that there wre various phrases that I loved. There were so many strong images and I think that that might be the problem. There were so many images that it got too complex and overall, I don't think I understood the story.
On second thought, your prompt is madness which is why you got full marks for creativity. The marks that were chopped off was because of what I said - too much complexity and i cant follow the story.
What ryan has to say will be interesting because you left us both dumbfounded here.
good luck
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This definitely made me think, a lot. And I love that with poetry. I may not have completely understood it, but what amazing diction and imagery this holds. It's very different than anything I have read as of late. I thought the ending could have been a little stronger, because the rest of the poem is so powerful. I still think it fits, though. I don't know if you meant to, but I like how in the middle, it seems to get more chaotic and less structured once you bring in the "master". This bit right here is really amazing:
"my sore lumpy tooth
of a head is in gauze of poetry -"
Lovedloved that! Wonderful piece you have here.
Jeanette*~
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Thanks so much, wonderful advice.
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