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The puzzled nature of love

Between your ageless thighs of oceanic depth,
I lay down my thirsty head, the water broken
into elemental suns.
A wild rose, saved from hollow-voiced bones:
its marrow staggers into coagulated pictures,
hanging on the spinning walls of my mind.
Earthly dew oozes into all broken gates, chemicals dance
on the beat of daily creations, the toolbox of memories open.

A contest entry

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    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Rebekah-Ann silver member
    January 22

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    A toolbox of memories... mmm this is very interesting. This piece is filled with imagery and elements that suprizes me. Like the wild rose, that is another deep thought...

    Thank you for your entry!

    Becks


  • Room without doors gold member
    December 28, 2008
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    A wild rose, saved from hollow-voiced bones:
    What continues to impress me about your poetry is the strenth of your imagery and the way you combine unusual words into phrases. I loved this line that makes me think of romance. An unusual and refreshing love poem. Best of luck in the contest.


  • MysticalRayne
    December 28, 2008

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    This is beautiful - if the word " love" was not wanted it should have been specified - best of luck in this contest this was beautiful - one question your fourth word what is it suppose to be in the first line


  • Rend the Veil gold member
    December 28, 2008

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    wow I knew you had it in

    you, I am dazed!!! i love it! who's your muse?? really good if i could do as good as you, i would be...satisfied!!

    Blessings

    Rend


    • Nevel
      December 28, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      thank you, Rend....my muse?? lol...its a secret brain-part, I guess...
      Erwin

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    December 28, 2008

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    You have a typo in the title.

    And line two, 'thursty'?

    I would have liked to see the piece without the word 'love' in it.

    Otherwise its pretty well done.

1 - 8 of 8