...
An opaque palace is where I awake.
The screams that surround the mind aren't real unless you want them to be.
...but you want them to be...
I mean you have me pacing around in a constant circle looking for your kidney but I don't have your kidney okay? Why the hell am I looking for your kidney?
I turn the head around and read the writing upon your skull:
"Number 6"
At the top of the palace is an edge to which a pull is more suitable than a push...
I see the young school boy on the edge,
The nerves of jumping into a pool for the very first time,
"Would you like some help?"
"Yes please I can't seem to get over the edge without the courage to hate myself proudly"
The trigger is on the end of his eye,
The arm outstretched becomes a snake and touches,
The stone drops.
I turn the head around and read the writing upon your skull:
"Number 3"
The palace contained a sterile room,
Exquisite lavatories are overwhelmed by the staleness of a hospital,
In one of the stalls is a long haired man,
Shaving his wrists,
I look over the stall to see him unable to contain his involuntary seizure,
Heavy breathing engulfing his concentration,
"Would you like some help?"
"I would honestly feel more confident if I could do it on my own"
"But you're useless sir"
And with that,
The wrists were fully clean shaved,
So pure they were bright crimson,
And over joyed the man collapses to his knees breathless.
I turn the head around and read the writing upon your skull:
"Number 5"
The grounds of the palace were deserted...
The chorus of children playing happily was ended by a tall thin man,
Holding the hair of siblings two,
One hand bitten and the other scratched,
"Would you like some help?"
Man is too dignified to reply,
The children yell in happiness when the man reveals to them his pointy weapon,
Once the children were bored of the weapon they quietened,
And once the man realised what he had done,
He allowed his neck to feel air,
And fell to the ground.
I turn the head around and read the writing upon their skulls:
"Number 1, 2, 4.."
The final room contains a bed in a hall of reflected mirrors,
Staring into them allowed me to feel like there were millions of others like me,
Imagining what would happen with my suicides,
If I could go back and help make them reality,
Six failed attempts,
Were now going to be made right,
Under the bed was my salvation,
The long thin smooth transporter,
Placed upon my head,
This time I the trigger was not in my eye,
The man in the mirror looks at me,
"Would you like some help?"
"No thank you kind sir,
I'm on my way"
The release reveals no sound.
I turn the head around and read the writing upon your skull:
"Your suicide will always remain prisoner to your fear and emotion."
Author notes
...yes this is considered by most to be their "favourite" poem of mine...and therefore yes this does pretty much overshadow everything I do with people probably thinking "it wasn't as good as Palace"...I'm sorry but I broke some of my own conventions when writing this poem...if I were to write a poem like this again it would seem far too formulaic so I can and will experiment with other stuff that will fail until I make something else that makes people go "oooh this is good kind of"...and then that will shadow me...either way enjoy...
Oliver
In a list
A contest entry
- Devastatingly Depressing. by a.changed-soul..
1130 points, ended January 5, 23 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Dark Hearted Emo's by Abstract Image.
900 points, ended January 28, 34 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
...it would be...
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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It sort of hit me like a punch to the stomach... your imagery is raw and powerful and your style is unique. I love how the repetition worked with the poem... in fact I just loved it in general. Great job!
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Excellent
'tis a very fine write with very good imagery. You have expressed your thoughts quite well. Thanks for sharing this one with us. Again, well done. -
You certainly possess a vivid imagination and a way of weaving words. This is very well written.
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well the first thing i did here was to look at how long your poem was and it is not that long, for you lol - so yeah, cool. if anyone in life has attempted to kill themselves so amny times, then they do not want to die at all. a good piece, i like the scenarios here.
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I think you are far to smart to put yourself down, I commented on this one before but as always I think your words are brilliant, no matter what you write, you write really good.
I appreciate that your work isn't flowery like most people's are (flowery is good SOMETIMES when used correctly) but for the fact that you can use metaphors really well and not make them seem flowery or fake in a way but more on a real level, hits me more on the spot. -
i loved this poem. it's voice is vivid and memorable. i like the way you percieved insanity. you've a very dark mind. i can kinda relate to it because the poem reminds me of my brother. it was depressing beyond my beliefs and spoke to me in a very peculiar way. keep them coming...you are an amazing writer!
kaity
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My favorite parts were "the wrists were fully clean shaved, so pure they were bright crimson, and your sucide will always remain prisoner to your fear and emotion. I was a little confused, but i did try to understand the best i could. I do however know it has great emagry and was beatifully written. thanks for entering my contest.
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This was the best i've read by you so far (in my opinion, anyway) It really had a purpose, and in the middle of the chaos, you could totally see everything. It was great!
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amazingly written words. emotions spilled out on a piece of paper describing a perfect dystopia crafted by an obviously unique, intelligent and dark mind. Loved reading this...good luck.
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I feel like I was led down a maze of insanity....this is really interesting....perplexing and.....intelligent....hmm not really sure what to say actually, thank you for taking the time to enter!
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gah. i don't know what to say. that was totally just, i mean it was....
woa.
thats what.
purely just amazing. i totally loved it. so deep and real and not real and just.... all over the place with metaphors and flow and foreshadowing and...
just woa.
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Wow.
Vivdly dark, a twisting tail of the confussion and the insecurity and simply the battle to do what the consciousness wants, without succumbing to the perception of fear of the unknown and the pain.
This is quite a work, emotive, and pognant. I'm very glad I had the option to read it; thank you for entering!
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This was just pure genius!
Stunning, I can't believe I have never read this before, I am glad I did though.
At first just the beginning of this write reminded me of Kiss Me Judas by Will Christopher Baer because he goes around looking for his kidney. It's pretty good.
Anyways I would tell you of my favorite parts but seriously this write was fantastic.
I am really at a loss for words here.
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Wow. Ouch and wow. Genius. Vivid, . . physically felt.
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Wow!
That was breath-taking..I'm speechless..that was brilliant!
My favorite stanza:
"The palace contained a sterile room,
Exquisite lavatories are overwhelmed by the staleness of a hospital,
In one of the stalls is a long haired man,
Shaving his wrists,
I look over the stall to see him unable to contain his involuntary seizure,
Heavy breathing engulfing his concentration,
"Would you like some help?"
"I would honestly feel more confident if I could do it on my own"
"But you're useless sir"
And with that,
The wrists were fully clean shaved,
So pure they were bright crimson,
And over joyed the man collapses to his knees breathless.
I turn the head around and read the writing upon your skull:
"Number 5"
What a writer you are!
Thank-You very much for entering my contest!
Best of luck.
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Theres something.
This reminds me of edgar allen poe's Masque of the red death or something. well the last part about the final room at least i cant put my finger on it but there is something mysteriously amazing in this poem. -
fuckin atomic !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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1 - 17 of 17
