Expunged upon each breath,
freezing accusations
sealed your lips,
and like a snare, retribution
closed its choking grip.
I had seen the flush of blush
upon each cheek,
when casual touch
lingered just a little too much,
for what is flirtation
but prelude to conquest,
with me a discarded after-thought.
Excuses like autumn leaves,
twisted in my maelstrom,
they were nothing
but a future medium
for growing better lies,
and I gather shining images,
spliced together with fantasy,
projecting this movie
onto the blankness of my fears.
Coincidence brings coffee to a table,
over-sweetened with honey words
and schoolgirl-like smiles,
this innocent rendezvous
that taints my blue sky,
is nothing but a grey cloud
of twisted imagination,
and self-flagellation.
Author notes
#32 Mistaken jealousy
A contest entry
- UNPLANNED: Round 1 by Never Fall in Love.
700 points, ended January 18, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Honest Critique Requested
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I can really feel that one. I have my own issues in that area. Thanks
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Do to the medium difficulty level of your prompt, Chandni and myself have given your score ONE (1) bonus point out of a possible two.
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8/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
9/10 - poetic devices/technique
7/10 - imagery
9/10 - emotionTotal: 33/40
I don't have much critique for you here. I felt that the imagery was a bit abstract, but that is your strong point. What I felt though was that the images were scattered and s it didnt give a complete feel to it. Like in the stanzas, you included blush, autumn, images/movie, coffee and sky.
Other than that, I think you did very well.
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31/40
7/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
9/10 - poetic devices/technique
6/10 - imagery
9/10 - emotion
I felt some parts were too abstract. Like the second stanza, your phrasing kind of blocked out the imagery from me. I could visualize the scenario, or feeling the emotion through it. It also blocked out any of the creative concepts within the piece, at that part.
I would work on making your imagery more clear. I personally feel raw imagery and raw emotion are great for a piece to make it more powerful.
I thought your poetic devices and your emotion was well done.
Thanks for the entry! Well done. -
very strong from the start
Expunged upon each breath,
freezing accusations
sealed your lips,
and like a snare, retribution
closed its choking grip.
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well it was very good i must say the way the verse : Coincidence brings coffee to a table,
over-sweetened with honey words
and schoolgirl-like smiles - is very good what do you all it i seem to have forgotten but it is very good.
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I love the imagery that you have here. Very vivid thoughts.
loved the stanza
this innocent rendezvous
that taints my blue sky,
is nothing but a grey cloud
of twisted imagination,
very good work.
**Master Ktulu**
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I love your writing
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