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painted dancer



The girl I love dances
in a cage.

A captured bird swinging
In solitary orgasmic delight
above the feeding stations

where boy meets girl in the
heated moments of the night.

Where the lights are swirling.

She smiles down at me...

"No baby this is not war paint!

This is love paint that fixes
the eye and the memory on target.

But some nights even I
have to dance alone."









A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Cynthia Gaines gold member
    December 29, 2008
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    Very well written!


  • Rheea gold member
    December 28, 2008

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    My grandfather had an extremely large 4 sided glass aviary. I watched it for hours. This made me smile.


  • just mercedes gold member
    December 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Your opening words took me to a go-go dancer in her cage. They spoke to me of alienation, of being apart from the crowd. I found it difficult to relate the poem to love; my fault, I'm just not following well.

    I liked the play with the slogan of the 60's 'make love not war'

    Best of luck in the contest.

  • Yvette Champ gold member
    December 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Yet again you have a strong beginning, the first eight words " the girl i love dances in a cage" has imagery, impact, makes a statement and yet intriques the reader to want to read more, wondering whether this is metaphor for an emotional cage or literally as a bird of paradise dancing in her cage on stage. For me the poem says that love is not fixed nor about fixation, but about being free in the togetherness of allowing each other space with grace, for as much as we may truly love another we also need time to simply be solitary creatures and do our own things solo. You and I know the differential between a painted dancer and a private dancer.


    Neat.

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    December 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Alright, I think that you have an excellent start here but -

    I wouldn't at all start it with 'the girl I love', you have good lines afterwards and that first line just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

    I do think that you could plain around with the lines and stanzas but you have a real good foundation


  • nature
    December 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    It is fascinating to see someone in a cage painted in exotic colors perform as you whistle.

    I know Australia has a lot of painted birds; it must be quite an envious scene for the bird to see you dance to its beat out side the cage.

    A lovely attractive write.

1 - 6 of 6